Dan Fallak

How to be a great parent by ignoring your kids. ​ ​I found myself scratching my head while listening to a recent episode of The Daily, all about the misery of modern parenting. ​ When did raising children become so exhausting? According to the podcast, 71% of parents report that parenting is more stressful than ever before. So much so that even the U.S. Surgeon General has declared parenting a significant health risk. ​ ​Let’s take a minute to let that set in. ​ ​A role that is foundational to humanity’s very existence—alongside eating and sleeping—is now so burdened with stress that it’s become a mental health crisis. ​ In fact, modern parenting makes us so miserable that an increasing number of people are deciding not to have children at all. ​ I’ve seen this firsthand: when I speak to people under 30, many of them are opting out of parenthood entirely. ​ Sometimes it’s due to concerns about climate change, but more often, it’s because they’ve seen others struggle with parenthood and decided it doesn’t seem appealing. ​ ​Fair enough. Modern parenting is a sad existence for many. ​ ​We modern parents have calendars that look like a game of Tetris. 4:00 PM soccer practice, 5:30 PM piano lessons, 6:45 PM math tutoring, weekend slots filled with never-ending dance recitals and birthday parties. We transition from an autonomous child-free existence to a tiny human’s full-time taxi driver, personal assistant, therapist, and security detail. ​ We live in constant fear of traumatizing our kids, as if the slightest lapse in parental calm could spiral into a lifetime of intravenous drug use. ​ We’re consumed with guilt for using daycare, hiring help, or even taking time for ourselves, as if involving others in caregiving somehow diminishes our role or negatively impacts our children’s development. ​ And we hover at playgrounds, ensuring our delicate children are saved from any unnecessary bumps or scrapes. ​ Opportunities for work, hobbies, or simply having adult conversations are put aside—all sacrificed at the altar of ‘perfect’ parenting. ​ ​No wonder parents are so unhappy. ​ ​And why? ​ ​Because it’s completely unnatural.​ ​ ​Humans are happiest when they live in alignment with their instincts. ​ Think about what makes us feel great - the experiences that light up our brains with feel-good chemicals like serotonin and oxytocin: ​ - Deep friendships forged through shared experiences ​ - Intimate connections and romance ​ - The pleasure of a meal shared with loved ones ​ - The rush of physical movement and play ​ - The belonging that comes from being part of a community ​ - The grounding effect of time spent in nature ​ It's no coincidence that these are the things our brains are designed for, and continue to make us happy. We're running the same "hardware" (our brains) as our hunter gatherer ancestors, so it's no surprise that we enjoy the same things that they would have done. ​ It just feels right to lift heavy objects, wander around in nature, eat tasty food, and laugh with friends—the very things that are being sacrificed in modern parenting. ​ ​What’s wild is that this is an altogether new phenomenon. Just a few decades ago, children roamed their neighborhoods unaccompanied until dinner. ​ ​Parents were preoccupied with work, social activities, and sports. The idea was that kids could entertain themselves. ​ My generation was one of the last to experience this: In the early 90s, by the time I was around eight years old, I was completely free range. No cell phone. No parents watching. Just me and my buddies riding around in a pack on our bikes throwing rocks at stuff. I’m grateful I got to experience this—but I worry that unless I fight for it, my own children won’t have this same level of freedom, autonomy, and the confidence that comes with it. ​ Based on what we know about hunter gatherer societies, caregiving was communal, with adults sharing the responsibility for watching over children, a system known as “alloparenting”. Studies of groups like the !Kung San and Hadza show that older children often cared for younger ones, allowing parents more time for work and leisure. This communal approach promoted social learning and independence among children, while reducing the parenting burden on any one adult. Kids ran around in a pack, with the older kids taking care of the younger ones, while the parents hung out, went hunting, and all that other Hunter Gatherer-y stuff. ​ There was no hovering or formalized instruction. Adults did their own thing and left the kids to their own devices unless safety concerns arose, allowing them to learn from their own mistakes and build independence. Children fit into their parents’ lives, not the other way around. ​ ​This communal, more relaxed approach worked for hundreds of thousands of years. But over the last few decades, something shifted. ​ ​Here’s a Before/After comparison: ​ ​- Communal Parenting ➞ Two parents trapped in a lonely house with little kids ​ - Natural, Outdoor Play ➞ Structured indoor play with technology and educational toys ​ - Free-Range Exploration ➞ Supervised, scheduled playdates and activities ​ - Shared Childcare ➞ Childcare limited to parents and grandparents ​ - Intergenerational Interaction ➞ Nuclear family units with minimal extended family interaction ​ - Inherent Physical Activity ➞ Sedentary lifestyles with scheduled exercise ​ - Attachment to a Broad Group of Caregivers ➞ Focus on primary attachment to one or two parents ​ ​So what changed? ​ ​In the late 20th century, a shift occurred in the psyche of North American parents—a shift not rooted in science or logic, but in something far more insidious: fear. ​ The 1980s marked a turning point. The faces of missing children began appearing on milk cartons. Shows like America's Most Wanted turned rare tragedies into prime-time entertainment. Cable news discovered that stories of child abduction drove ratings, creating what sociologists now call "mean world syndrome" - the belief that the world is far more dangerous than statistics show. A generation of parents internalized these fears, despite living in what may be the safest time in human history to raise children. ​ ​Consider this truly insane fact: ​ ​The statistical likelihood of your child being abducted by a stranger is about 1 in 1.5 million, according to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children. ​ ​To put that in perspective, your child is twice as likely to be struck by lightning, an event that hardly dictates our daily choices. Yet, the disproportionate fear of abduction has led parents to cocoon their children in layers of protection that earlier generations would find unrecognizable. ​ Ironically, studies have shown that this overprotective ‘helicopter’ parenting hinders a child’s ability to navigate the world independently, leading to heightened anxiety and diminished problem-solving skills. A study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that children granted less autonomy experienced higher stress levels and lower overall life satisfaction. ​ So, in our quest to shield our children from improbable dangers, we’re inadvertently exposing them to the very real risks of anxiety, dependency, and a diminished sense of self. ​ ​How do we fix this in our own families? ​ ​Imagine if I told you that the secret to losing weight was to eat more ice cream. ​ Well, this is one of those magical situations where the solution is actually to take the easy road. ​ It’s simple: give yourself a break. Stop over-scheduling, stop trying to constantly entertain and enrich your kids, and instead embrace what has worked for tens of thousands of years. ​ ​Here’s what I’ve been doing in our household: ​ ​- I’ve stopped entertaining the boys—I let them get bored and engage in creative play, ideally in the backyard. If they want to join in what I’m doing or help, that’s great. Of course, I’ll step in if someone is badly injured, and we still have lots of nice family rituals (reading time, family dinner, sports, etc.), but most of the time, it’s their job to entertain themselves. ​ I’m always amazed by how, after a few minutes of whining, they disappear into a corner of the house, immersed in their own little world for hours. ​ - I’m resisting scheduling their time (one sport each—that’s it). ​ - I’m inviting large groups of their friends over to recreate “packs” of kids. (I find I don’t hear from them for hours when we do this—they completely occupy themselves.) ​ - I limit screens. (I do let them use iPads, but they’re strictly screen-timed, and once the timer is up, that’s it.) ​ - I bring them along with me to run errands. (They always complain at first, but end up having fun.) ​ - I try to focus on activities we both enjoy (versus standing around at some kid activity I hate.). ​ - I coordinate with other parents to pawn my children off for playdates at their house, or vice versa, and get together with other families to share meals as often as I can. (It’s amazing how much easier it is parenting as a group.) ​ - Soon, I’m going to start letting them bike to the park or play dates on their own. (I’m also working on getting more parents to agree to collectively send their kids to parks at the same time, so they aren’t doing this alone. ​ The evidence is clear: humans have successfully raised resilient, capable children for over 300,000 years without this anxiety-riddled misery. The solution to modern parenting isn't to parent harder - it's to parent lazier. ​ ​If we don’t, the next generation will have two options:​ ​ 1. Live a semi-miserable, stress-filled existence for 18-years (have kids). ​ 2. Never discover the wonders of raising a child, one of the great joys of life (no kids). ​ That’s a depressing thought, and potentially a real threat to humanity’s future. ​ So do your part. Join me in becoming a negligent parent (by today’s crazy standards) and embrace laziness!