incorrect criminal minds quotes

Emily, laying in bed sick: avenge my death. JJ: you’re not dying, Emily. Emily: AVENGE ME

Therapist: so what do we say when we get the urge to throw ourselves off a bridge? Emily: yeet. Therapist: no–

Derek: we should spice things up in the bedroom. Spencer: you got it. [later] Derek: what the hell is on the bed? Spencer, seductively: paprika ;)

Hotch: we are gathered here today because someone– *glares at Emily's coffin* –couldn't stay alive.

Emily: you know what would be sexy? eating food off each other. JJ: you didn’t do the dishes, did you. Emily: no, sorry…

Emily: *rolls her eyes at JJ* JJ: did you just roll your eyes at me? Emily: yeah, and what are you going to do about it? JJ: Emily: JJ: *takes a step* Emily: I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY

Elizabeth: you can't marry a man until i confirm that he's right for you. Emily: lemme just slip through that gaping loophole– Emily: *marries JJ*

Penelope: HAPPY BIRTHDAY EM Emily, looking around in panic: shut up! Penelope, loudly to a passing agent: it’s Prentiss’ birthday today!

Hotch: where's Emily? JJ: we just got out of the shower, she'll be down in a sec. Hotch: okay, you guys can– wait, did you just say “we”? JJ: …i said “SHE”.

Emily: you're a lying, cheating, piece of garbage! you're not the woman i married! JJ: then we'll get a divorce! and i'm taking Henry! Henry, slowly sliding the monopoly board away from them: i think it's time we stop playing...

Penelope: if you don’t get enough sleep, then how do you even function? Emily: i run on three fuels: spite, coffee and chocolate. *JJ, hugging her from behind and kissing her neck* Emily, blushing: ok, maybe there's a fourth fuel.

Emily: marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed. JJ: *glares at her* Emily: see?

Emily: who wants to make 50 bucks? Spencer: how? Emily: i need someone to take the fall. Spencer: what did you do? Emily: i can't tell you. yes or no, no questions asked. Hotch, from the kitchen: oh my God. Emily: Hotch: OH MY GOD Spencer: make it a hundred. Emily: deal.

Tara: do you have a self care routine? Emily: “keep going, bitch” said to myself in different languages.

Luke: what do you do when you see someone super hot? Emily: i stare. Emily: i smile. Emily: then i put down the mirror.

Emily: caffeine no longer keeps me awake while i work, so instead i have JJ periodically send me texts saying “we need to talk”. Emily: it gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear i need to keep going.

JJ: *hands Barnes a map* JJ: here’s the map of all the places where you can go fuck yourself. Emily: woah, that’s a lot of places.

Emily, recovering in the hospital: you call it a near-death experience? i call it a vibe check from God.

Spencer: you know you can die from that, right? Emily, smoking a cigarette: that’s the point. Derek, drinking alcohol: we’re trying to speed up the process. JJ, eating raw cookie dough and nodding: yeah, what they said.

Emily: can i bother you for a second? Hotch: you're always bothering me, but go ahead.