My choice of contestants for the newly announced #LastOneLaughing US. Comedians that I think actually might do the show and would kill. Pete Holmes Tim Robinson Keagan Michael Key Maya Rudolph Conan O’Brien Rachel Dratch Anthony Jeselnik Whitney Cummings Adam Ray Ben Schwartz

Every single magical person in the Harry Potter universe is dumb. All of them are only taught math, English, and basic general ed through 5th grade before the rest of their schooling only pertains to shit like potions and dark arts.

It’s crazy that I don’t think @perlmutations looks anything like a cat, however, I see so many cats that look like Ron Perlman

Hey @adamraycomedy, fuck you

My finger calluses from playing bass guitar are so think I wiped my nose and it took ten minutes to realize I had a big ol boogie on my fingie

Anyone else use a bidet to power wash a blockage out sometimes?

Rescue divers be like “oh look a fish! Oooo another fish-ah fuck I found a body”

Extra long bidet sesh to cool down this smoking barrel

The most abusive thing my dad ever did was make me an A’s fan.

Crop dusting the blue cheese at the grocery store and waiting for people to come up and smell it and be like “mmmm. That’s good cheese”

A house built in the 60’s, has the same shitty floors, cabinets, windows, etc from the 60’s, and has had the same owner since the 60’s should be rented out for the same price it would’ve been in the 60’s. Hate paying 2026 prices for some shithole. Want to up rent? Update shit.

Hey siri. Why can my butthole taste peppers

Saying not to kill a spider in your home because they’re “good” is the exact kind of propaganda we’ve grown to expect from Big Spider.

You ever meet your elderly parents friends and think….fuck…my parents are definitely swingers? Me neither. Asking for a friend.

Joining #ICE and only targeting other ICE agents and their families. So Billy Bob, back to Europe.

I’ve had 9 hot dogs for lunch with hot sauce. If there’s a #kalshi bet out there on whether I shit my pants at work, somebody’s about to win BIG

Going for a personal record. Six. Yes six! Consecutive poops with no brown on the first wipe.

“Don’t tell me how to raise my kids!” Why not? Your kids suck.