JB

Building a nice collection...

Absolutely disgusting...... that someone would eat at Mamma’s Pizza.

First person to post a blackout square from their dog's Instagram account wins white privilege.

11th plague - slaying of the first person to post themselves doing a TikTok dance to the theme of a Passover song during a Zoom Seder.

Social distancing is a lot like Passover. Everyone just makes up rules that work for them. Are you alone in your room eating kosher ketchup for 14 days or are you going to the grocery store and eating rice and chickpeas?

Thinking of getting a job at Lids so that when people ask what I do for work I can say ‘I wear a number of different hats’.

*awkward silence* “I have a weighted blanket you know”

One of my favourite pastimes is to make fun of employees when the person at checkout asks if anyone was helping me. Just hit the girl at Adidas with a ‘ya, squirrelly looking fella, looks like a virgin Post Malone’.

It seems like the exhaustion of FaceTiming your friends after getting engaged and having to re-express your excitement for each call is weirdly similar to re-expressing your sadness to each person giving you their condolences at a shiva.

There should be hybrid therapists/nutritionists. Don’t want to make two stops to know if this constant diarrhea is from anxiety or dairy.

Just sharted at Boots and Hearts.

Me: Why did Regis always make it seem like he was calling someone at home when a contestant used the phone a friend lifeline? Based on the lack of background noise and number of rings, there’s simply no way the person wasn’t in studio. Her: I think I see my friends.

I just realized that mashed potatoes are trash.

The Torah clearly states that if your favourite team wins a title, the Jewish cemetery rules don't apply.

Thank god that person selling Raptors tickets on Facebook clarified they wanted "serious inquiries only". I was on the verge of calling as a farm owner to see if the tickets were available for me and my pet ostrich.

People complaining about the Starbucks cup on Game of Thrones. How dare the producers of a show about people fucking their dead parents and marrying lizards make it appear unrealistic!

My favourite game is to go on LinkedIn and filter by people that work at Platterz.