Kirui

I’m the CFO of a PE backed company. I woke up to 19 emails from the CEO between 1am and 4am. Subject lines: “thoughts,” “quick one,” “alignment.” I stared at the ceiling and thought, he doesn’t sleep, he just runs equity payouts at different EBITDA scenarios. By 8am I was already behind. The VP of Finance asked when we’re sending the updated forecast. I said “soon,” even though I haven’t opened the model in two weeks because I already know how it ends. At 10am the CEO told me we’re hiring 12 heads but cutting SG&A. I nodded, deleted the plan, and renamed the file “final_v9_APPROVED.” At lunch I sat alone in my office, scrolling through emails that all started with “just following up.” By 1pm the PE senior associate was replying to my updates before I could even finish reading the subject line. Every message started with “quick thought,” and ended with another model version request. At 3pm he called. Wanted an “EBITDA bridge that inspires confidence.” I moved numbers until it looked believable. He said, “Not good enough. The MD wants EBITDA to double by year end.” I said, “Copy that.” Then I stared at the spreadsheet and thought, so do I. By 6pm I was writing words like “momentum,” “synergies,” and “runway” into a deck that means nothing. I closed my laptop, looked at my reflection, and reminded myself: We all know it isn’t real. But it has to look like it is until someone buys it.