🌼 laurel 🌼

He didn’t even know what it was. My boyfriend has no survival instincts maybe I meant robbery with a weapon

The lock for the public toilet at New Lynn station doesn’t work, but it looks like it does, so some maintenance worker saw my coochie out like Winnie the Pooh at 7:30am this morning ✌️😔

just finished “The Empusium” by Olga Tokarczuk and good fucking god.

My incredibly wise and autistic father on co-workers spelling your name wrong

boyfriend got a boner from kissing me on the forehead. I prayed for times like these

My Chilean friend was trying to tell me that my boyfriend reminded him of an “anime character” in his cowboy boots, and it took several minutes of me guessing and him googling (“Cowboy Bebop? Trigun?”) before he finally pulled up a picture of Woody from Toy Story

the greatest human inventions, in order: 1. Penicillin 2. Anesthesia 3. Dishwasher

Friend was having a houseparty for his 32nd bday and a bunch of his chill neighbors came by who are all 20-21. I offered them tequila shots and they said “oh thanks but we don’t drink” and then proceeded to do the fattest fuckin lines of coke that I’ve seen in my life

As a shitter, please wipe your ass with your bare hand

I hope the bitch who stole my instax camera from a hostel makes beautiful memories with it. I hope she appreciates how cool the mechanisms of the camera are. Bitch

Finally got this old Iranian dude on Facebook marketplace to sell me his 2012 kindle after weeks of trying to arrange a time. I asked my Iranian friend what to do and he suggested mentioning I had an Iranian husband (a lie), and boom picked it up same day lmao

I’m about 50 pages into this book on Hideo Kojima’s recommendation, and unfortunately it’s the same kind of reddit awesomesauce writing as Andy Weir, Brandon Sanderson, etc. I’m gonna keep going to see if the Kaiju are at least cool, but the dialogue is exhausting lol

computer, please kill all accounts that post multi-paragraph bullshit-story engagement. If I have to see one more “a woman I worked with left her husband, and everyone…” I’ll kill them myself

60+ y/o kiwi men looove when you ask them “ain’t your first rodeo, huh?” with an American accent. I can almost hear them kicking their feet and giggling on the other end of the line