Melissa Short

If you’re grieving, or have ever grieved, a few words of comfort from one of the most accomplished scientists I know.

Another Christmas Carol Last week, I received a phone call from a woman who wanted to know if my foundation was set up to receive donations in the form of stock. When I told her that we were, she told me that her boss wanted to make a year-end donation. “That’s great,” I said. “What’s your boss’s name?” “She would prefer to remain anonymous.” “No problem,” I said. “How much would she like to give?” “A million dollars.” (5 seconds later.) “I’m sorry, how much?” “A million dollars,” she said. “Of highly appreciated stock.” (Another 5 seconds later.) “Hello…are you still there.” “Yes,” I said. “I’m still here. You have a very generous boss. Would it be possible to thank her personally?” “I’m afraid not,” she said. “Her privacy is very important, and her time is valuable.” “I promise to respect both,” I said. “It's just that no one has ever given me a million dollars before, and I’d really like to say thanks. Just a quick phone call would be fine.” “Let me see what I can do,” she said. “In the meantime, where do I send the stock?” I told her, and the next day, a million dollars of highly appreciated stock arrived in the MRW brokerage account. And the day after that – Christmas Eve – I received an email with a link to join a Zoom call at exactly 11:55 am to meet my anonymous benefactor, a woman I’ll call “Carol.” I clicked the link at exactly 11:55, and Carol appeared on my computer screen. She had me on mute because she was talking to someone else on her cell phone. It looked urgent. A minute later she hung up and took me off mute. “Sorry,” she said. “Crazy morning. Hey - you clean up pretty good!” “Thanks,” I said. “It’s my second shower of the day.” Carol’s phone rang again, but she ignored it. “Thanks for making the time,” I said. “I know you’re busy.” “Busy doesn’t come close to what I am,” said Carol. “I’ve got a board meeting in five minutes, a house full of cranky relatives, and a helicopter waiting for me on the roof.” “With respect,” I said, “who schedule’s a board meeting on Christmas Eve?” “My husband just asked me the same thing. In the immortal words of Robert Plant, I’m afraid the answer is, ‘nobody’s fault but mine.’” “Actually,” I said, “those words came from Blind Willie Johnson. He wrote Nobody’s Fault but Mine almost a hundred years ago. Led Zeppelin “borrowed” it in 1976 and put it on an album called Presence. You can listen to Blind Willie’s version on You Tube. I'm not sure which is better.” “I’ll be sure to work it into my holiday playlist,” said Carol, glancing at her watch. “Now what can I do for you?” “You’ve already done it. I just wanted to tell you how I’m going to spend your money.” “I already know how you’re going to spend it,” she said. “You’re going to give it to qualified applicants who want to learn a skilled trade. Hopefully, the electric trade. My company could hire fifty electricians right now, and fifty more in Q2. We just can’t find them.” “I know,” I said. “I hear the same thing every day. Our goal is to award $10 million in trade school scholarships next year, and your donation has got us off to a terrific start.” “Happy to help,” said Carol. “And by the way, my kids and I loved Dirtiest Jobs. Do you think you’ll do more?” “Not unless it’s animated,” I said. “I don’t bend as easily as I used to.” Carol laughed. “I feel your pain,” she said. “Anything else?” “Well, at the risk of correcting you twice in one call, the show was called Dirty Jobs, not Dirtiest Jobs.” “Really? Are you sure?” “Pretty sure,” I said. “I did 350 of them.” “That’s so strange,” she said. “I could have sworn it was Dirtiest Jobs.” “It’s a common mistake,” I said. “TV has trained us to expect the extreme version of whatever it is we’re watching. It’s not ‘Home Makeover,’ it’s “EXTREME Home Makeover.’ It’s not America’s FUNNY Home Videos; it’s America’s FUNNIEST home videos. It’s not ‘Deadly Catch,’ it’s ‘DEADLIEST Catch.’ See what I mean? Everything is always oversold.” “But don’t you narrate ‘Deadliest Catch,’” Carol asked. “For the last 22 years," I said. But I didn’t name that show. If I did, I would have called it Deadly Catch. Not as sensational, but more honest. It goes to managing expectations.” “Ok,” said Carol, "but tell me this. If Dirty Jobs had been called “Dirtiest Jobs,” and there was only one-episode, which jobs would you put on it?” “Aren’t you late for a board meeting?” I asked. “They can start without me,” she said. I proceeded to tell Carol, in great detail, about my top three dirtiest jobs, and was deeply flattered to see her spit out a mouthful of coffee during my explanation of castrating sheep with my teeth. I was equally delighted when she guffawed during my description of semen-gathering from a prized bull, and very pleased when she gagged during my recollection of dogpaddling through several tons of diarrhea while replacing a ruptured lift pump in a wastewater treatment plant. When we finally hung up, Carol was a half-hour late for her board meeting, which I took as a personal victory. When she invited me to stay in touch, I assured her that I would. And the next morning, as I sat by the Christmas tree sipping eggnog, counting my blessings, and listening to Blind Willie Johnson sing Nobody’s Fault But Mine, I couldn’t help but wonder if Carol was doing the same. I like to think she was. Mike PS. mikeroweWORKS has always relied on the generosity of ordinary Americans who contribute modest amounts whenever they are able. That will always be the case. However, there is no denying the fact that lots of people this year are reducing their taxes in fairly dramatic fashion by donating highly appreciated stock to their favorite charities. This is most often accomplished through a Donor Advised Fund, which anyone who takes charitable giving seriously should have. It doesn't matter if you're rich - if you want to dramatically reduce your tax bill with charitable donations, a DAF is the best way to do it, especially if you want to donate appreciated assets like stock, art, real estate, etc. By donating appreciated stock instead of cash, Carol not only reduced her taxable income by 30%, she completely eliminated the capital gain tax she would have paid had she sold the stock. Bottom line, a big chunk of the money she would have paid in taxes, went instead to her favorite charities. One of which, happily, was mikeroweWORKS. May her example resonate from sea to shining sea! PPS. The rules surrounding DAFs are changing this year, and not for the better. If you're thinking of setting one up, you still have a few days. It's worth doing. Here's a primmer. bit.ly/4q9wiZ6 PPPS. I read somewhere that 50% of all charitable giving happens in December, and 30% of that happens in the last three days. With that in mind, any amount is most appreciated, at mikeroweWORKS. In the immortal words of Tiny Tim, God Bless Us, Everyone!