jokes for no one

Ms Rachel (on the car stereo): Can you pretend to be a crab? My son (just turned 2), a few seconds later: CRAAAAAAAAAB

Big Bird's voice is Eeyore who started taking antidepressants that are *just* starting to work

The blood is the covenant!

Part 1/? of a series "This Might Be My Last Tweet"

explain why all customer service hold music sounds like the scene in soylent green where you're about to be euthanized

i even tried (mostly) less-lethal...gotta know when to fold em, I guess

COME ON DAMN IT

i really really tried but they won't let me have any fun

i mean spot tf on

i realize my retweet is worthless but let's make Dylan go viral errbody

On hold with customer service, I would *instantly* choose a non-repeating playlist of intolerable music I can't stand vs. an infinite loop of one 2-minute song of any style or quality (but it's probably 90's elevator jazz)

Massively underrated bar soap:

Eat shit, you fucking liars. foxnews.com/politics/ilhan-o…

Hey my new song's up on ALL the places now: songwhip.com/goldheart2/mash (you can still listen/download free OBO at goldheart.bandcamp.com/ also please don't give money to anyone I warned my[child]self about in the actual song)

youtu.be/nQ2jndrFGd8 NEW JERSEY'S FAVORITE SON @DOB_INC HOLY CRAP and this was the very semester I started at MGSA. What a missed opportunity! Also @Soren_Ltd in case he didn't share offline (no one will see this anyway uhhhh THE PLACENTA)

New Goldheart song up at goldheart.bandcamp.com/ "It's Broadway AF" ~somebody, probably

Notes app lyrics ideas from years ago, you've done it again

Easily the best thing I've ever read on Twitter. You'll want to set aside 15-20 minutes, plus recovery time.

Damn it Steve