Pete Siddle

I was deployed on combat ops in Afghanistan in 2007 straight from training (punchy but straightforward), 2008 (Buckshee) and 2009 into 2010 (with US Special Forces, very punchy indeed). Got a bit angry when I got back from that last one; some very violent memories. Had a bit of treatment, all good. Then scroll forward some years and my company and I got blown up in Kenya in 2017 when the training team made a massive cock up and negligently set off a load of battle simulation explosives in the area we were advancing through. 3 of my lads were permanently downgraded with hearing loss. Turns out it was all a horrendous trigger for me: the combination of chain of command negligence, explosions, and seeing my lads in harm’s way… it fully sent my brain over the edge after what I’d done in Afghanistan. I spent two years as a company commander getting mentally worse and worse. Isolating myself, drinking too much, getting myself into all sorts of trouble, stupid life choices. All to try and make the screaming in my head stop. And chuck in the pressure of an ITV film crew the whole time. In 2019, I was at the Indy 500 race and an A10 flew over. I had a full flashback. Could feel the dirt of the Afghan Dasht under my fingertips; the sweat on my helmet headband; the same panic and fear; the works. Burst into tears on the spot. Was posted right after so fell through the Army’s mental health gaps. Was based in N Ireland. Threat indicators for a paratrooper OFF THE CHARTS, so fell apart completely. Disassociation, nightmares of blood every night; the works. Medically retired. Had more treatment, rumbled along, still wounded but not beaten. Kabul fell in 2021. Huge trigger. Ended up helping over 370 Afghans reach safety, as part of a wider team that rescued 3000. Proud times. The pressure was too much though. Fell apart again. Reported sick to Op Courage. Amazing treatment. On the mend. But every December to January is filled with endless triggers that always spin me out. Awful anniversaries and memories. Coping better than ever this year, but still fighting a raging gunfight with my own head. The depression is so real. It feels like an endless weight pressing down on you. Why am I sharing this with 40,000 people? Well, the point is, we all go through shit and it’s really awful, but it’s bearable. Keep going. It’ll work itself through if you get the right help. I’m in a horrible anxiety/depression cycle right now but I know if I keep following the stuff I’ve been taught and trust the process, it’ll be ok. If you ever feel like this, my DMs are always open. You’ve got this and if you ever need a place to vent, just go for it with me. I’ve got this too. We’re all good. For me, Utrinque Paratus. For you, hold on to that similar stuff that made you who you are today. There’s always hope. “Though here at journey’s end I lie in darkness buried deep, beyond all towers strong and high, beyond all mountains steep, above all shadows rides the Sun and Stars forever dwell: I will not say the Day is done, nor bid the Stars farewell.”