In 2017, I paid Cards Against Humanity to protect a pristine plot of border land from Trump’s racist wall. But then an even richer, more racist billionaire—Elon Musk—stole my land and dumped his shit all over it. @ElonMusk owes me $100. #ElonOwesMe100Bucks ElonOwesYou100Dollars.com
There is a certain satisfaction when a telemarketer goes off script, tells you to “fuck off, go to hell” and hangs up. The magic words: “Please put me on your do-not-call list.”
Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! (Not really it was ages ago) #MyTwitterAnniversary
Got an early Christmas gift! My previously malfunctioning Logitech G910 keyboard is working again thanks to a water wash and 5 days of drying. 💦⌨️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️👍
Sue your way to become president. Isn’t that the American Dream? It would be absurdly funny if literal lives weren’t at stake.
The most annoying thing about having a small child is sitting at work and humming toddler songs against your will
#Parenthood
psy retweeted
Dear America:
Emotional Support Canadians are on standby. If you have not yet received your Emotional Support Canadian, one will be assigned to you shortly. 🇨🇦
