If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

How about we all show a little hustle in crosswalks this year folks

ooo-weee-ooo I look just like Buddy Hackett

thank you for not bringing anything to my attention

I'm a lover pilot not a fighter pilot.

if anyone happens to see Donna today please tell her she can fuck right off

the clash: should I stay or should I go now? me: what'll happen if you go? the clash: there will be trouble me: and what'll happen if you stay? the clash: it will be double me: well I'm no genius but the answer seems pretty obvious to me

no one named Kevin has ever done anything worthwhile

If you don't do the little wave when I graciously let you merge, I hope your car explodes as soon as you're a safe distance away from me

Every parent's worst nightmare is their child telling them that their favorite dinosaur is the brontosaurus.

For sale: baby. Keeping shoes.

I see London, I see France. I see your crippling insecurities.

in the US it's called meth. in the UK it's meths.

[stops cutting toenails] leaving?? but we haven't even gotten our entrees yet

This heat calls for a Panera murder drink

I would tell ya but then I'd have to kiss ya 😉

I fucken knew it

I wish I loved anything half as much as uber drivers love black ice air fresheners

the words "history" and "buff" don't belong together, nerd

it's not even 10 and I'm already way too fricked up on Gary's Hard Milk