Daughter: hey dad, in Toca Boca I went to the police station and got a bunch of masks so we can pretend it’s COVID in this world too! This one is really messing with me.

I somehow look worse after a shower and shave than I did with a week’s neck beard and 3 days no shower. Cool cool cool.

We lost a treasure in Betty White today, but at least we still have Baddie Winkle for now.

Ray: can you guys get up? Gary is hungry. Wife: who the heck is Gary? Ray: my stomach.

I got a quest 2 for Xmas and I have time off but my kids are too young to play it with me so it feels mean to indulge. So looking forward to playing

On this Christmas Day I’m reminded of the year I got some Stussy shoerts, roller blades, and wraparound sunglasses. Immediately went to the ft lauderdale strip to cruise my chubby, preteen bod around showing off my coolness.

I’m “I just laughed out loud at a JibJab” years old.

My body: hey man, let’s eat mini quiches, pizza, Dino nuggets, and some chips and guacamole. Sounds like exactly what we need. Also my body: wtf bro why did you do that here have some sick ass heartburn

The most painful thing about having my cast off after 6 weeks is my leg hair getting pushed around by clothes and sheets. What a weird thing.

How come at a restaurant when you order tortellini you get like 50 and when you order ravioli you get 3 or 4?

Just over here making fists with my toes.

This is my Cinnamon Toast Cross to bear.

Had the solemn duty of sharing with my wife the fact that our children put the milk in the bowl before the cereal.

Kambucha salesman: *slaps roof of my gut* this bad boy can fit so much probiotics in it

My product owner: we will do projects A,B,C in h1 Me: that’s a lot of stuff to put in one html tag but ok

Developing in a sandbox environment

Oldest son just referred to the microwave as “the oatmeal maker”.