शिवी

This is going to be one of the most vulnerable and longest tweets I’ve ever posted. Something has been weighing on my heart for quite some time. Every time I speak about marriage, loyalty, or the belief that cheating is wrong, I’m met with men telling me infidelity is inevitable. That men aren’t naturally monogamous, that a man can sleep with another woman and still love his wife, and every day, I see more people defending betrayal as though it’s simply part of life, both online and irl. My parents aren’t together because of infidelity. I grew up without the example of a healthy, loving marriage, and I often wonder how different my life might have been. How many insecurities might I have been spared? How many difficult moments would have been easier with a strong father to lean on? How different would my understanding of love and trust be if I’d grown up watching a man faithfully love my mother? Instead, I grew up with the consequences of a man who repeatedly chose lust and momentary gratification over the family he was supposed to cherish. I don’t think people realize how much a child can lose because a grown man refuses to govern his desires. Perhaps that’s why, as a woman whose heart longs for marriage and a beautiful family, these conversations are almost unbearable for me. Will we ever be enough? Not just enough to marry or raise children with, but enough to be someone’s absolute dream girl? The woman he looks at and cannot imagine wanting anyone else? The woman he continues to choose because there’s nowhere else he’d rather be? Is it really unreasonable to want to be loved like that? I don’t want to spend my marriage wondering whether my husband secretly longs for other women. I don’t want to be told that infidelity is a biological reality I must accept. I want to adore a man and be adored in return. To feel safe giving him every vulnerable part of myself. And what makes this even more painful is seeing infidelity within Christianity. Men who profess to love Jesus, who know Scripture, who make vows before God, only to betray them. Where is the fear of God? Where is the reverence for marriage? I’m sitting on a plane right now, sobbing as I write this. there’s an ache in my heart I cannot describe. I’ve been trying to compose myself, but the tears keep coming. Maybe I’m too sensitive and maybe I shouldn’t allow it to affect me this much. But these conversations have been breaking my heart because they remind me of the little girl I was, and the family I wish I’d had. Deep, deep down, I’m just a lover girl. I believe in loving one man for the rest of my life. In being his favorite person, his best friend, his dream girl. In growing old together, knowing that through every season, we continued choosing each other. And it hurts terribly to think that a woman could give a man her entire heart, dedicate her life to him and their children, and he could still want another woman. His unfaithfulness doesn’t mean she wasn’t enough. But it’s difficult not to ask why the woman he promised his life to wasn’t enough for him to remain faithful. I’ll probably take a short break from Twitter. I’ll still be around for earnings and a few scheduled posts this week, but I need to step away from these conversations. Call me weak or whatever you want, but I owe it to myself, my future husband, and to the little girl who grew up wishing things had been different, to take a break to protect the tender, hopelessly romantic part of my heart that still believes in beautiful, faithful, lifelong love. I really don’t want the cynicism of the world to take that away from me. With love, H Prov. 4:23