Simon

All of my friends are prudes

I don’t fuck with reptiles

Have you ever donated to Wikipedia?

I lose respect for you with every exclamation point you use.

Do you like this?

Mystified by people who can french braid

Something I can’t forgive my boyfriend for is being a “2-packs-of-ramen-at-a-time” person

One of life’s greatest traps is getting stoned and eating candy all night

I’m finally ready to admit im too lazy to be a farmer’s wife

Ritz crackers are only mediocre I’m sorry you know I’m right

All stink bugs can burn in hell

Strategically plugging in a phone charger before moving the couch into the room is some of the best foresight I’ve ever had

I have no swagger

Crush on Yo-Yo Ma

Dryer lint as a metaphors for life.

Am I the only person in the world who doesn’t like shrimp?

Motion to stop naming your pets “Luna”

One of my hobbies is eating licorice and looking at licorice on the internet

Only assholes say carpe diem that’s a fact

All-terrain grocery carts