@sofarrsogud

🖊️ Some of my tweets are crafted like a sculpture from a block of wood. Others are pumped out like farts.

 Ireland
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Joined February 2013
  • Tweets166K
  • Following5.8K
  • Followers21.6K
7.7KMedia
Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.
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New Girlfriend: [cooking me dinner for the first time] So these are vegetarian nuggets Me: Are they 24 carrot lol Her: *taking my plate away* Get out
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Papazilla667!@Scottzilla66721 Oct 2021
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
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meghan
@deloisiveteOct 20
Impulse bought a plant at the grocery store, and now I can't tell if it's real or fake, guess we'll know in a few days
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Marcmywords@Marcmywords2Oct 21
A typo so bad, HR requires a CAT scan.
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF retweeted
𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓
@MoMohlerOct 20
My hometown has started construction on a biblically accurate Cracker Barrel.
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Stefan Urquelle@OfficeofSteveOct 20
Crocs are the sweatpants of footwear
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Midnight Cowboy 🇺🇸@cowboyjeffkentOct 20
Every time I see one of my old tweets retweeted, I realize I haven’t grown much as a person.
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Ⓜ️isterD@MisterD78UKOct 20
Them: "what is wrong with you?" Me: "idk even my therapist is baffled"
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Avogadro’s House of Moles@schumoo8 Aug 2022
The advice here is free. It's usually stupid but it's free
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Henry 3000
@Henry_3000Oct 20
I don't mind the maddening tinnitus if it drowns out the nagging criticism of my inner monologue.
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I saw a 'Book Of Opposites' at the store today and couldn't help but wonder why they didn't call it a Contradictionary.
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John H. Beers III 🐀@Bedlam_BeersieOct 17
“If you work out regularly, it’s important to have a rest day for your body to recover,” I say on my 1,000th consecutive rest day.
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF retweeted
KSHE95@wednesday0525Oct 17
Baby's first *Right Next to Stupid, while napping in my stroller* T-Shirt.
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Midnight Cowboy 🇺🇸@cowboyjeffkent24 Nov 2023
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation
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Jö$h@JoshKing2Oct 17
I leave an animal cracker at all my crime scenes.
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF retweeted
𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓
@MoMohlerOct 17
At first Benjamin Franklin was afraid to tell people he discovered electricity because he was a middle aged man out flying kites.
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Comedians in flying cars shitting themselves
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Benny Boy@Camel_CrushinOct 16
I find myself driving with my hands at 10 and 2 a lot lately. Might as well fill my center console with butterscotch candy at this point.
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Terminator 2 is a great movie but I think it would've been even better if when Arnold shot the terminator in the face he then said 'Grow a head, make my day' James Cameron: SECURITY!!
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KSHE95@wednesday0525Oct 14
- Beverly owns this hill - Sahara owns this desert - Myrtle owns this beach - Debbie did this, wait, what? All of it?
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