Tim

In order to save grandma and grandpa we need to act like them. Stay indoors and follow their daily routine. Minus the racism, skip that part

Worked with a guy today who actually believes the earth is flat... here are the funniest / dumbest things he said. 1. Outer space doesn't exist. 2. Commercial planes fly at 3,000 feet, can't go any higher 3. If you go far enough in any direction, you run into a 2 mile high wall.

I hope my dog thinks I'm a good boy too

Explain to me how someone who can't successfully put a lid on a coffee is worth 14 bucks an hour. I type with burnt coffee hands

Someone opened a rogers phone account in my name. Ran up a huge bill and bailed. I'm one of those familys.

Best feeling in the world? When your girl gets out of your car, and you can let 6 hours worth of farts out.

People who don't pull up close to the car in front at a drive through are getting coal for christmas. We can all fit

If I ever have a "go fund me" page. Kick me in the teeth and tell me to get a job like an adult.

Can anyone tell me why my dog took food out of his bowl and put it in my right shoe ?

The college union on strike are like the people who buy a house next to a highway, then complain about the noise. You signed up for this.

If you put racing stripes on your car/truck it better have at least 500 horse

People from stouffville always act like uxbridge is 4 hours away

Optometrists are licking their lips this afternoon

I'm totally gonna win this staring contest with the sun

Don't send me a Snapchat if it's already in your story. That's a hat on a hat

Hey girls. Don't use the fast forward filter on Snapchat. As much as I love not being able to hear or see anything

They really should light all the fireworks off at the same time... make for a much better show.