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Go follow @realonlinemom

United States
Joined June 2019
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Why it’s true? idk
Me: my phone is so cluttered, I need to delete some texts and pictures. My anxiety: don't you dare erase that recipes screenshot, we haven't used it yet AND what if one day we need to know exactly what mom texted us on September 23, 2019?
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Sounds good, doesn’t work
I’m not saying I have superpowers But I just went to target and ONLY got items on my list.
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My son had a class field trip today I got a phone call from his teacher explaining that he got a bloody nose on the ride back He apparently had been cupping his hands and making armpit flatulence noises with such ferocity that he actually managed to punch himself in the nose
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Yeah, me neither
can you imagine getting in bed, easily falling asleep, waking up feeling rested, having a good day and then doing it al over again??
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My husband worked from home today with the kids and I got this following text not even an hour after I left: “Do they usually do stupid stuff all day long or just a small portion of the morning?” Blessings upon him.
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These are the only thing stronger than a toddler holding a toy you are trying to take away
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4’s can burn
4- Mommy, can you jump? Me- Not right now buddy. 4- Because you're too heavy?
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I was in the checkout line at the grocery store today when my son said, "look, mom, a pirate." So, I look up and what do I see? I see a man in line behind us with an eye patch.
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Imagine singing happy birthday to her
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Me trying to leave brunch after 7 mimosas
3: I want to drink from the water fountment 3: An octosauce has 8 tentacolds 3: I have my hat but can’t find my glubs 3: Where are my fucking markers??
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This is Goldddd!!!
Son #2: Daddy, will you remember me in an hour? Me: Of course I will. S2: Will you remember me in a day? Me: Yes. S2: Will you remember me in a week? Me: Yes. S2: In a month? Me: Yes, I will. S2: Ok good. Knock knock ... Me: Who’s there? S2: See? You already forgot!
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My weekend’s gonna be lit. And by lit I mean youth sports and grocery shopping.
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MEEEEEE
I had to exchange numbers with another parent because my kid enjoys playing with her kid. Do our children even appreciate the sacrifices we make for them?
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Knock Knock. Who’s there? Omelet. Omelet who? Omelet Mommy sleep in today. #momjoke
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3yo: Who ate all my chips?!! Me: You ate all your chips. 3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self. Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
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testtest retweeted
if you drink coffee then take melatonin your heart takes a screenshot
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Saw my 10 year old for the first time in 4 days. He was sat in front of the TV and casually lifted his hand in a half-wave sort of way. ‘Hey,’ he said absently. He was busy watching Lego Batman. A film that he’s already seen 3 times. ‘I mIsSEd yOu tOO, sOn,’ I said.
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when kids try to put clothes on by themselves
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when a random person gives you unsolicited parenting advice
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