Someone asked me today “What are your basic rules, things you insist upon?” Good question. This is my answer, today: RULES FOR YOU: 1) Rule #1: You can only have one master. In my home, that means you don’t take command from anyone but me, and you don’t sleep with other men. 2) Friction is not allowed. Note: --Friction means another master (a person, or something else you’re answering to) is commanding your behavior, which means you’re not following rule #1. -- “I can’t do that today, Sir” is not friction; that’s about what you can or can’t do; resisting isn’t allowed, because it’s about what you won’t do. --If you forgot, say so; that’s a reminder problem, not friction. --Objecting because you don’t understand isn’t friction either; objecting as an appeal for clarification is always allowed; refusing once you understand is friction. --You are always expected to say your piece, and I’ll consider it, then you’ll respect my decision and obey whatever I decide. RULES FOR US: 3) Knives down. Neither of us uses what we know about the other to hurt them. 4) The door is always open, for both of us. Our ability to each leave easily is what makes our choice to stay have meaning. RULES FOR MYSELF: 5) I don’t make rules I can’t enforce. 6) I don’t compromise. I will say what I want and what I will do, and I will mean it. I won’t change what I want just to keep you, because that will only make me resentful. 7) I will not insist you change yourself, nor silence you if you object to what I want. Whether or not you choose to stay in this dynamic and under my rules is your choice. 8) I pay attention to who and what you are. What you hand me about yourself, I will only ever use to take care of you, never against you. 9) I will correct your mistakes immediately, the first time, so each correction is sized to that one mistake. --- Any others you think I should add to the list, that have worked well for you in a dynamic? Any objections, or clarifications you think I should add to the current list?

It’s not the explicitly sexual stuff you do for me that gets me hardest for you. It’s the words you promised yourself you’d never use, that you now use for me. It's that you can't stop from touching yourself, when you think of me. It's your 'hard and fast rules' you made for yourself, that you’re breaking because it's me. Every time you give in on some little thing you had limited yourself on, some thing you promised yourself you would never do for any man - submitting, just for me - it gives me all the tingles. Submitting just for me, even when you initially didn't want to, is the kind of thing that sustains a dynamic long term, when it's not as sexy, not as new, not as shiny - and that's why it matters.

On repair: Repair is not apologizing for who you are, and it’s not changing your answer. It’s admitting what you said that created tension. If you’re the one who got stung, you tell him. Once. Then you go do something, ideally with your hands - clean something - and lower your heart rate. Walking away from the conversation to cool off is not walking away from each other, and it’s not using silence to punish. He does the same thing. He steps away from the conversation to let his own embarrassment or frustration or anger or whatever else he’s feeling calm down. It sucks to say something that hurts your partner. Both of you will likely be feeling hurt. You both need a minute. Then, he reviews what was said, and figures out which parts he overstated, which parts were flat out incorrect, which parts he left out. When you both come back, he doesn’t defend what he said, because that would just sting all over again. Instead, he reports the results of his review back to you, changing what was wrong, and keeping anything that he actually meant and needed to say. He doesn’t ask you to forgive him, or blame himself for how he communicated. He doesn’t need to, because he’s saying what he means and doesn’t need to apologize for it. Also, repairing is better than adding shame to the conversation, and if you shame each other during repair, you’ll both be less likely to repair in the future. You might still not like his answer, and that’s allowed. You won’t like every answer he gives you. But at least you know it’s how he actually feels, and now you can respond with how you want to proceed. You also don’t need to weigh the value of your dynamic in this tense moment. A single conversation isn’t the size of your dynamic. It’s one conversation. Keep it at that size. Importantly, neither of you used what you know about the other to hurt them. Your knives are down, and they stay down. Stabbing each other more isn’t what either of you want, and it makes repair even harder. You both decided to be together when you were both thinking clearly. When you’re upset and not thinking clearly is never the right time to reconsider that choice. When you’ve stung someone, the first most important thing is to put your knives down so you don’t cause more hurt. The second most important thing is for both of you to say what you actually want and need, and not change your answer to appease the other person, no matter what kind of dynamic you’re in.

I correct you because I want you to be the best you can be, for me. Don’t apologize, correct.

None of my fantasies are about a single scene, and they're not really about obedience. That's the fantasy you think I want - control without resistance. And it's not that I don't love that. It's definitely hot to have control. But what I'm here for, my real fantasy, is the predictability of our dynamic. Knowing exactly how we'll show up for each other, and what part we'll play in each other's lives, every day. My fantasy isn't a kink, a tool, a character, or a scene. It's us. It's you.

The flip side to "you can’t read minds" is that both people have to negotiate in good faith. It’s up to me to tell you what I want. If you miss a step because I never told you and you had no way to know, I have no one to blame but myself. And if I command something I can’t reinforce, or if I move the goalposts after you’ve already taken action to complete the task, that’s on me too. It’s up to you to be receptive. If you miss a step because you didn’t ask, or weren’t paying attention, or let something or someone else command you instead of me, you have no one to blame but yourself. It’s up to both of us to make sure you can accomplish the thing. If you simply can’t, and you tell me, there’s no one to blame, we just work together to figure out how to make it work. The more clearly we can each say and hear what we expect, the less friction there is between us.

No, I don’t want a drone, and here’s why. There are two ways a sub can choose to add energy to every interaction, and both of them can make me feel more powerful. One is to produce friction for me to fight against. Resistance, making me push harder. Forcing me to draw from my power to overwhelm yours. That works, but it’s not my favorite. Two - my personal favorite - submitting even HARDER than I intended, adding your own submissive energy to my dominance. Go with the flow. Kneel before I’ve finished giving the command, beg for the thing I’m teasing you with. That makes me feel more powerful, with no friction. A drone doesn’t add power, she just does what she’s told, flat, sucking energy out of me. That’s no fun for anyone. A sub’s job is to add energy to make her Dom feel more powerful, not to absorb it.

There’s one big reason why I think it’s good for a sub/slave to have ‘rituals’ you do every day as part of your dynamic. But it’s not what you might expect, and it’s got one important caveat. Whether your ‘ritual’ is writing lines about how great he is and how much you want to submit to him, or training yourself to kneel when you hear the garage door, or whatever it is. That part doesn’t matter as much. What matters is why you’re doing it. Rituals exist for the days when you’re grouchy, or sad, or just ‘don’t wanna’. They’re not to make you feel good about yourself and the dynamic when everything is working perfectly. They’re also not there to make you feel like a dynamic is happening when it only exists in your hopes and dreams. No, rituals are there to remind you, on a rough day, that the thing you agreed to build together is more important than how you’re feeling that day. The day you kneel when you don’t want to, is the day that well worn ritual really matters. Now, the caveat. Because rituals need to persist every day no matter how you’re feeling, it’s important you don’t agree to them too early, when you’re feeling ‘sub frenzy’, when you’re high on him and would say yes to anything. If you agree to a ritual when you’re feeling amazing, chances are not great you’ll be able to make those rituals persist when you’re no longer ‘high’ on the dynamic. Instead, you agree to it on an ordinary day, when nothing special is happening, you’re already feeling secure about each other, and things are feeling steady, and good. That’s the version of you that your rough day has to answer to; the version of you together, that your rituals exist to remind you of.

The only reason authority transfer works is that it comes from autonomy. You can only give someone else your authority if you have the option to keep it. You can only choose to stay if you could leave.

Submission has to be serious business ...to make all the goofy, silly, sexy, slutty freedom of expression and potential for connection you get to enjoy next with each other, safe. The rules you play by have to be drawn up sober, so you don’t have to keep checking where the lines are when you both get drunk on the power exchange. Once you’ve both agreed on the rules of engagement? The gloves come off, and it’s play time.

Vanillas are just people in dynamics they haven't negotiated out loud.

The point of submission isn’t to get what you want, it’s to submit. He’s going to get what he wants, and you’re not. You’re either going to find that frustrating and unfair and want to burn the whole thing to the ground, or you’ll find it life-affirming that you know your place and you’re appreciated for what you contribute to your life together. You're used to being alone, and doing things your own way, and getting what you want. But doing things your way hasn’t been very satisfying for you. Something important has been missing. You’re craving someone else’s plan to live. Someone who likes making plans, so you can just follow along and support their plan. What could you possibly get out of submitting, that’s better than making your own plans, and getting yourself what you want? You get the satisfaction and fulfillment of getting him what he wants. You get to see that smile on his face, that you helped put there. You might want something big. And instead, you give it up to get him what he wants, and you’re happier for it because now both of you have something you want. He's got his life lived the way he wants it, and you've got him, happy from your service, and your sacrifice. Next to all that, getting you what you want is shallow, unsatisfying, and unfulfilling. Submission to a man you have chosen to submit to is deep, meaningful, sustaining, gratifying, and life-affirming. It’s the thing you’ve been missing, and the thing you need more than anything you could ever want.

Beautiful and accurate.

On men and women, boundaries, and accountability for following rules: He's more likely to say "that's not allowed, because the rule said so." She's more likely to say "that doesn't feel right, so that's the rule." Men and women evaluate boundaries in roughly the same way, though women on average are more risk averse, worry they've done harm faster, and state their boundaries in terms of how that risk feels and the harm that might be caused to themselves or others. That higher risk and harm aversion also means, if he asks her to explain her rules - or take accountability for breaking a rule - and she tells him how she feels, she's still using the same logic he is, she's just reporting her feeling about it first. And she can still take accountability, once it feels right, and she feels safe to do so.

You don't want me to not have others. You don't even want that kind of control over me. You just want to be different from them. I want you to not have others. That's how we're different.

You like to challenge him. Not to take his power. Never that Just to tease it. To make him feel just a slight shift. Enough to feel his push back. That he's still in charge. Never too much.

"...i have not failed..."

Part of you says it's controlling and possessive and that should feel wrong. But it turns you on anyway. A man who wants to be part of every aspect of your life. Needing to be in charge. Needing and having authority over your life. Being your Master. You want to belong to him.