The Wolf

I have never not burned my mouth on a French bread pizza.

David Lynch would make a fantastic baseball play-by-play announcer.

Another one @LenJokes missed from yesterday: After a good curve ball low and in... “That was a John Fogerty! Down on the corner!”

New goal in life is to die before Geno Auriemma so he can speak at my funeral.

My washing machine plays a little jingle when it’s done, and I always think it’s the ice cream man.

My commute is so fucked that @waze takes me through LAX — one of the most congested airports in the goddamned world — to SAVE ME TIME.

The automatic checkout machine at @Target just tried to sell me an extended warranty on a box of Vicks VapoPads.

I like how this Pope doesn’t take any shit from anybody.

My HVAC guy’s name is Kenny Powers. I keep asking him things like, “Have you ever written an autobiography?” and, “Do you own a jet ski?” And he keeps saying things like, “Please call me Ken.”

Just dropped my bagel and it landed cream cheese-side down. #FridayThe13th

Detroit continuing its tradition of putting on the most disastrous halftime shows in professional sports.

Ain’t no better feeling on the earth than successfully duck season/rabbit season-ing somebody.

I watched the pilot episode of Perfect Strangers last night and it is a timeless masterpiece.

All I want to talk about is my baby and my Prius and hey where are you going come back here

Watched an Amy Winehouse documentary last night and the thing that struck me most is that Tony Bennett is a goddamn gentleman.

In that new @LincolnMotorCo commercial, does @McConaughey just get sick of his own guests and start playing pool by himself? And then just drive off without saying anything? Kind of a dick move.

"You know what we should do? Run commercials during the game, right there in between pitches." -Some fucking asshole #WorldSeries

I love stats as much as the next guy, but if @AROD uses the phrase "launch angle" one more time during this Sunday Night Baseball telecast, I'm going to have to burn his house down.

Hey @dominos, in your commercial for carryout insurance, how does that dude get back to your store to get his replacement pizza if a tree fell on his car? Uber or something? Seems like he should just cut his losses and have it delivered.