I’m not a dog btw

I haven’t looked up from my phone once this entire drive home

Oh yeah

If I could leave my dick alone for five minutes I might actually get something done around the house.

10 over on the highway with a 2014 Jeep Compass so far up my ass it knows what I ate for breakfast.

I got a face you kinda gotta look at an angle to an appreciate.

I got a pu-pu platter and a girl that look like Wednesday Adam’s otw to my house. Id think it’s safe to say, I’m living like larry.

Also the vj putting basically “sample text” during my whole set was killer.

Bars are allowed to be dirty they serve ALCOHOL… ALCOHOL is a DISINFECTANT.

The urge to insult your friends is never stronger than when in front of a crowd while on beer

Go go gadget ravioli pocket I just thought of this

Don’t talk to me about food if you eat egg drop soup You little snot slurper

Why haven’t they made a new inspector gadget???

Eating an instant release 30mg adderall and drinking two Celsius before arguing with old people about their property value. They never stood a chance.

Two dudes one cum

I’ve separated women from their shoes more than the tsa

This old lady just used a scratcher to buy her tacos and Virginia slims