Not I'm buying this book rn

The trunk holding got me. It's like she's hoping her friend will tug back and everything will be okay. I didn't need this before bed

My neighbor waved at me across the cereal aisle and I waved back enthusiastically. Then she walked right past me to hug the woman behind me. I pretended I was reaching for the Frosted Flakes. We've made eye contact twice since. Neither of us has acknowledged it.

Sent a screenshot of my boss's email to the group chat complaining about it. Sent it to the group chat that includes my boss. He replied with a thumbs-up emoji. I've been drafting my resignation in my head for three days. He hasn't mentioned it.

My four-year-old asked why the moon follows our car. I gave a whole explanation about perspective and distance. She listened carefully, then said, "That's nice, but I think it just likes us." Honestly, her version is better. I've been using it ever since.

I love the sound of his feet clopping on the hallway floor, and the cat just looks like holy shit he's free

She's pulling left he's pulling right. How is he getting out of car?

Shout out to the one goat that was like, “OH SHIT!” when the dog moved to be even more lazy.

He is so excited, bro wants to do it again

That was the cutest jump, and then she looked back as though asking "did you move the table"?

“I saw a cat do this on the internet!”

His laughter while walking to his Dad is the best. OMG he is soo sweet

The hardest goodbyes aren't the loud ones. They're the quiet ones where nobody did anything wrong and you still feel like the villain.

When I was 7, I told my teacher my mom slept with the mailman. She immediately called my parents in for a meeting. My mom showed up confused, my dad looked like he'd aged 15 years, and I was sitting there eating crayons. Turns out I'd seen my mom fall asleep on the couch while the mailman was fixing our broken TV. He was also my uncle. My teacher apologized approximately 400 times. My dad still brings it up at Christmas. My uncle stopped fixing televisions for people entirely.

I tried to return a candle to Target because it didn't smell like the description. The clerk asked what it was supposed to smell like. "Coastal grandmother," I said. She stared at me. I explained it was supposed to evoke a breezy cottage on the Cape. She typed something into the register, paused, and asked if I had a receipt or just a strong opinion about fictional grandmothers. I got store credit.

A woman at the grocery store was trying to return a birthday cake because it had the wrong name on it. The employee explained that personalized cakes couldn't be returned after pickup. The woman said, “I know, but my husband is not called Gregory.” The cake said HAPPY 50TH GREGORY. Apparently she'd ordered it over the phone, and the bakery employee had misheard “Gary.” After some discussion, the manager offered to remove the lettering and redo it. The woman looked at the cake for a long time. Then she said, “Actually, leave it. He's been getting on my nerves.” She bought candles and walked out. About twenty minutes later, she came back for a second cake. The cashier asked what happened. She said, “I showed him a picture. He thought it was funny, and now I feel bad.”

My sister's five-year-old has started charging people to attend his imaginary restaurant. Last Sunday, he handed our dad a handwritten bill for $38. Dad said, “Buddy, I only had pretend spaghetti.” My nephew nodded and said, “Yeah, but you asked for extra cheese.” Dad offered him two actual dollars. He refused because the restaurant was “card only.” We thought this was hilarious until he disappeared into his bedroom and returned with a cardboard machine he'd made from a cereal box. Dad tapped his debit card against it. My nephew examined the card, frowned, and said, “Declined.” He's five years old and somehow already understands the restaurant industry.