Andrew MacLachlan

A manager of mine revealed he thought for years FYI meant Fuck You Idiot. I'm just imagining so many work emails like, "Fuck You Idiot we're not meeting projections" and my manager letting it slide like ok I deserve that 😔

Give him a break. He got in one little fight and his mom got scared.

A rhino is just a tank build for a horse class

Picard drinking tea 3 hours later because he forgot it: 'Tea. Earl Grey. Room temp.'

Oat Milk Hotel

2012: bring your own travel mug for coffee 2022: bring your own bag for store items 2032: bring your own ingredients and the cook will make it in the back

Million dollar idea: butt plug whistle so when you fart it makes a silly noise

I feel like every single person figured out the Wordle strategy in the last week is NOT to progressively build and add green letters but to guess new letters every time.

A captain always goes down on his ship 🚢👁👅👁💦

Taking an anti-money laundering course for work and one of the red flags is literally just 'dirty or smelly money' like criminals have to keep cash in their compost bins in order to do crime.

The kids are asleep, there's nothing to watch, the chores are all done... Finally time to have that argument we've been meaning to have!

Eveyone is like, wow gas is soooo expensive right now. Then they pay $24 food delivery for a meal they could make at home for $3.75

One day Wordle will be 'ouija' and people will attack the New York Times HQ

Kids now get their first kiss with much better music than my generation. Who'd you rather kiss someone to for the first time? Ariana Grande or Bloodhound Gang?

Women in comedy have to be twice as funny as men to be thought of as half as good. Luckily, most of the guys are terrible so it's easily doable. Happy Womens Day :)

Yesterday I bought too many donuts and said to myself if I saw any friends on the street as I walked home I'd give them some. Then I saw someone and in my head I was like, eh we're more like acquaintances. No donut for them, haha.

Oh, you want cheap gas? Check your butt.