Heather AE MacDonald

🇨🇦 OFFICIAL NOTICE TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: YOUR ACCOUNT IS SERIOUSLY OVERDUE. AMOUNT OWING: $80,613,183,000 USD. PLUS SANTA. Dear America, Following a comprehensive review of our trade relationship, Canada has discovered a rather troubling oversight. For more than a century, Americans have enjoyed unrestricted access to Canadian actors, musicians, comedians and filmmakers without paying a single Canadian Talent Export Tariff. Frankly, we’ve been far too generous. Inspired by Washington’s innovative approach to international trade, we’re introducing an entirely fictional 50% RETROACTIVE CANADIAN ENTERTAINMENT TARIFF. Interest and penalties apply, naturally. DEPARTMENT OF HOLLYWOOD & MOTION PICTURES Keanu Reeves, Catherine O’Hara, Ryan Gosling, John Candy, Bob, Rachel McAdams, Jim Carrey, Donald Sutherland, Michael Buie, Eugene Levy, Seth Rogen, William Shatner, Ryan Reynolds, Leslie Nielsen, Christopher Plummer, Robert Clothier, Mike Myers, Kiefer Sutherland, Martin Short, Doug, Michael J. Fox, Dan Aykroyd, James Cameron and numerous others. Estimated worldwide receipts: $60 billion. 50% TARIFF: $30 BILLION DEPARTMENT OF MUSIC & LIVE ENTERTAINMENT Drake, Joni Mitchell, Michael Bublé, Stan Shmenge, Shania Twain, Kevin Breit, Justin Bieber, Leonard Cohen, Avril Lavigne, Bryan Adams, The Five Neat Guys, The Weeknd, Anne Murray, Terry Bush, Shawn Mendes, Neil Young, Céline Dion, Yosh Shmenge, Gordon Lightfoot, Alanis Morissette, Paul Anka, Sarah McLachlan and numerous others. Estimated worldwide receipts: $35 billion. 50% TARIFF: $17.5 BILLION DEPARTMENT OF TELEVISION & COMEDY Decades of sitcoms, sketch comedy, late-night television, dramas and assorted Canadian cultural mischief. Estimated receipts: $15 billion. 50% TARIFF: $7.5 BILLION OFFICIAL NOTICE OF ASSESSMENT Hollywood & Motion Pictures: $30,000,000,000 Music & Live Entertainment: $17,500,000,000 Television & Comedy: $7,500,000,000 Retroactive Interest & Penalties: $13,750,000,000 Ontario HST (13%): $8,937,500,000 Administrative Processing Fee: $250,000,000 HST on Processing Fee (13%): $32,500,000 U.S. Dollar Convenience Fee (3%): $2,339,100,000 HST on Convenience Fee (13%): $304,083,000 GRAND TOTAL OWING: $80,613,183,000 USD All figures are deliberately rough, fictional assessments based loosely on worldwide entertainment activity. Overlapping credits and creative accounting have been enthusiastically incorporated. PAYMENT TERMS Payment is due immediately. Canadian dollars, certified cheques and unmarked hockey pucks are accepted. Failure to pay may result in additional penalties, collection proceedings and the temporary suspension of Canadian comedians working south of the border. We apologize for the inconvenience. Actually, no we don’t. FINAL DEPARTMENT: CHRISTMAS Santa Claus ………………………….. PRICELESS Canadian postal code: H0H 0H0. Retroactive tariff: PRICELESS. Accumulated interest: ALSO PRICELESS. We respectfully suggest settling this matter before December 25. America, you really don’t want to start a trade war with the North Pole. 🎅🇨🇦