Magic Beans 🐿️

Every day is surreal. Every day is like being in a dream you can't escape. Every day I ask myself, is this really my life now? I have no energy, but I also know if I let that stop me, I die sooner. So, despite being quite sedentary for a good portion of the day, I force myself to go do this or that throughout the day despite how tired I really am. Kids to school, soccer games, errands, trips to the store. Whatever, just ... Move. My muscle is gone. I'm keeping my weight up which is good, but I need to figure out a way to build back more muscle as the cancer has stolen all of it now. I'm technically still slightly overweight, so combination of skin and bones and fat belly/torso. The feeding tube, chemo port and surgical scars don't help that look either. I won't say what I look like, but you can probably guess. Then there's eating. A constant reminder of just how messed up my body is. It's painful & I'm always just one bite away from vomiting if I don't do the chewing right or water chase right. It's also extremely time consuming and I have to flood myself with water to push the food I've turned into paste in my mouth past the tumor. Typically 40oz or more per meal, which are all mini meals many times a day as I literally can't stomach regular sized meals, so eating has to be fairly constant throughout the day to ensure I get enough calories & protein. Then there's my left arm, which for some stupid reason I've had trouble with for at least a couple months now due to vastly limited range of motion (reaching back behind me to my left, excruciating pain). No idea why...just is. And of course there is the day to day off feelings throughout my torso. Sometimes nausea, sometimes pains in belly / intestines. Always the feeling of something stuck in my throat, cause there is. Can't even burp normally or I vomit but the tiny burps I can do, I must do to clear things out pass the tumor. Then there's the runny nose. Always runny. Apparently that's a strong symptom of my type of cancer. Nostrils are raw from constant tissue use. Sleeping is mostly okay as I do sleep well for the most part, but it is annoying that my bladder can't hold much any more and now I get up 3-4 times every night to pee. Didn't have to do that until this year with diagnosis and seems something with my feeding tube surgery triggered it as it's been ever since that surgery. Almost forgot, there's also the daily maintenance of the feeding tube. Have to flush it out daily and change the 4x4 sterile dressing on it and reapply Desitin to keep sores from forming under the rubber disc. Rinse, repeat...every day. Feel lost most days. Not sure what to do, how to feel, how to manage etc. Esophagus cancer is truly one of, if not the most, evil illness one can get. Just completely shreds your life. I want to live, but I also want this nightmare to end. I thank you all for your prayers and support.