Devon Harris

Seasons of the Story has dropped! 15 Stories + 1 completely new story = thousands and thousands of letters. T is in there a bunch. Lots of M’s Absolutely zero P’s   Available at thestorymustbetold.com right now! And now! Aaaaand - wait - yes - now!

ok this has been fun! Thanks for bearing with me, at times. I killed john f kennedy and I’d do it again! (poof!)

I don’t “dump” technically what I do is called a “shove” so it wasn’t me

Truly love when airports get updated and then they make signs about it that say shit like LAX GOT A FACELIFT 😜 and FRESH NEW TITS, SAME OLD DALLAS

opened an Uncle Anne’s in the mall and we serve pretzels that are so hard they’ll break your fuckin teeth

this 👏 is 👏 why 👏 voting 👏matters

when someone asks me if I've heard of a new restaurant

(on my death bed, my family around me, thinking if I look long enough I’ll remember. I know that’s not true. Darkness comes. It’s warm. The beeping intensifies. I have time to say one more thing - one more I love you as I straddle both worlds) “That’s it. That’s the tweet.”

thought this was mcdonalds finally giving us hotdogs

just got a job at the bottled water factory filling each bottle up to the brim

bank? no sir ain’t no bank here just me and my my uh my cargo I’m a cargo guy so I’ve never defrauded anyone

(on trial in new york) your honor my client would like to keep it a bean for a sec (attorney-client whispering) so your honor if we're being real, he actually did chop up his landlord into little pieces

you’re telling me that in the 1970s a bunch of teachers and parents and classmates knew a little boy named ~Paul Hollywood~ and were just like yeah ok that’s fine ???????????????

AMERICANS ARE… _ humping the pump _ pumpin some grumps _ chumpin their dumps X paying at the pump

why