Special Agent Maria Ronson of the Federal Bureau of Ingestion, at your service. Investigator, often ravenous. (Lewd, no minors/taboo, 30yo) @OutOfOfficeLore
Joined February 2026
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For years the Federal Bureau of Ingestion has monitored predators and prey.
Thanks to agents like Maria Ronson, hungry criminals are apprehended and the innocent saved.
But the darkness never goes away.
“It ain’t easy. Truth is, it gets harder every day…now get over here.”
“Ah…whoops.”
Maria stood to learn from the criminals she’d mulched. Witnesses are to be avoided. Instead, she knew eyes were on her.
“Hey, don’t worry. I’m a cop. I’m one of the good guys.”
With her knees weak and gut rumbling, she didn’t seem so certain about the good part…
“Basic training? Yeah right…”
The agency had decided its staff needed to refresh their physical instruction. This meant days upon days of exertion. Maria could barely finish it.
“At least the meat is marinated…nice and juicy…”
Demeaning or not, Maria knew she had a responsibility.
“Every crime needs punishing. Even if it’s just a parking violation. Think you haven’t been here too long, only a few minutes? How about I give you a few minutes in my gut. Let’s see how short you think the time is then…”
“Look, man, it was a rough night. You should see the other guy.”
With a weary smirk, Maria glanced out of the window.
“No but seriously, you should see the other guy. Thanks to him I’m positively bloated…”
Maria stared at herself, regretting every decision she’d made leading up to this moment.
“How is this an undercover assignment anymore? I’m basically just a goddamn maid full time at this point!”
She sighed.
“Makes cleaning up after eating easier I guess. Goddamn it…”
Maria felt like her proposal wasn’t getting the attention it deserved.
“It makes perfect sense, sarge. The tastiest people are most likely to be criminals. I’m suggesting a pilot program where I devour them BEFORE they can commit crimes. Like in Minority Report. It’s foolproof!”
“In the UK, a ‘grass’ is a snitch. You’re asking me if I’m an informant. Me. A cop. Uh, yeah @CoupleOfUmas I think I’d count as an informant.”
“Alright, look. Legally we can detain you for 48 hours without charge. The thing is I don’t see anything in the law which says where I have to detain you. If you think you’ll last without becoming sludge, I can keep you in my gut. But I wouldn’t recommend it…”
For once, Maria was blushing.
“Jesus, man…you can’t just say shit like that! I ain’t some dainty girl you can sweet talk…”
But she was. The mere mention of her being ‘pretty’ reduced the stern agent to giggles.
“Goddamn it…so stupid…”
Maria Ronson retweeted
It may be less pleasant to listen to, but @FBIAgentRonson is essentially like a playlist made by every David Fincher film. What if the killer from Seven had an iPod? That’s the vibe I suppose.
The first song Night Shift is very much the driving force behind this character! 😆
“Lady, it doesn’t matter who you are in here. You could be a common thief or the Pope, in here you’re just meat.”
“Fun? Eh, I wouldn’t say that. It gets hard to figure out what they’re thinking once I’ve packed them away nice and tight.”
“Look man, I never filled out the paperwork. Technically you ain’t even here. Makes it easy for me to sneak you out, you know? Oh, uh, not like that. It’s not going to be great for you, but it’ll be heaven for me.”
“So many goddamn calls today from one whiny lawyer. Saying someone’s gonna eat her. Well shit, if she keeps wailing I’ll eat her myself. A few inches of gut fat ought to keep her quiet…”
“You’re an easy enough mark, you know that? All fidgety and sweaty. It’s obvious you’re lying. Still…makes your flesh nicely seasoned.”
“I mean, I guess I should thank you. For making my job easier and everything. Just presenting yourself, turning yourself in. Thing is, I’m off shift. No rules. So, like, don’t scream or anything. Got it, scum?”
