I'm Fake John Piper. But my theology is just as toxic as the real Piper. Parody account.
Joined April 2013
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Jesus obeyed His Father without relying on a sin-bearing Savior.
If you try to imitate Christ in this way, you become antichrist.
If you don't try to not not imitate Him in this way you become anti-anti-Christ and duel Rob Bell in a battle to the death.
This year, make it your goal to marry the Bible and submit to it. Unless you're a man, because wives should---wait, the Bible can't be the wife, you're the wife. But that would make you trans because you're a man...ok, you and the Bible are both men--- wait that's gay...
Fake Piper retweeted
For those who claim to know “what God intends” when most of us can’t figure out what our cat wants, we pray.
Jokes on you, my prayer closet makes a cave look like a five star hotel. xitter.gq/untenablewhale/status/…
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More proof of the depraved world in which we live: we are told to "make sure our own oxygen mask is securely in place before assisting others."
"Brother will deliver brother over to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents." Matthew 10:21-22
People who read my books shouldn't be fraternizing with people who don't, so this should never be an issue. xitter.gq/jacksondame/status/975…
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This made me feel proud. So I'll be in my prayer closet for the next week repenting. xitter.gq/sbethcaplin/status/976…
I have on occasion been accused of using circular logic in some of my arguments.
Yet if circles are so bad, why did God make the very planets and their orbits round?
Laws cannot change the sinful heart.
Therefore we should repeal all laws.
#logic
#checkmate
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If God gave the order
I'd totally kill you.
#CalvinistValentines
I think the most wonderful thing about Christianity is its simplicity.
As long as your prayer life, thought life, and worship life are ok and you're not recrucifying Christ and you don't have a false assurance of salvation and you're predestined, then you're all set!
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Don't be like Onan who spilled his seed on the ground. Shoot your seed everywhere so that it will penetrate the hearts and minds of unbelievers.
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You can lead a worldly horse to water, but you can't make it drink from a silk purse made from a Christian pig's ear.
Take heart, struggler. God surely has his purposes why he has waited till now to give you the breakthrough you have sought for years.
Or he might make you wait another 40 years. Either way quit whining, geez.
If a culture conforming jellyfish stings you, you'll have to pee on the wound yourself - unless you swim with a pod of Christian dolphins, in which case you will have no shortage of people who will pee on you.
Ha! Had my genitals surgically removed years ago so jokes on you! xitter.gq/hobbsisme/status/95944…
Honestly if you're a man whose right with God your brain will just shutdown any time a woman tries to explain anything to you so really, how could women be preachers?
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