Hazel Blackthorne, Starving Intern

Greetings! I’m Hazel Blackthorne, intern extraordinaire, and I’m looking to work for you! Give me any job, anywhere, any time, and I will be there! Don’t mind that growling gut you’re hearing, that’s just…how hungry I am to meet your approval!

It was a totally legitimate time off, I swear! Didn’t you get my completely not forged doctors note? And there’s no way you follow my instagram and like all my holiday pictures! You’re my boss! That would be weird! Especially all the bulging belly pics!

I mean, the economy is…it’s in shambles. They’ll take what they can get! And think about poor hungry me! All the new hires are scrawny graduates without a sliver of taste to them…

Oh… Oh bother… I’ve messed up now! Apparently that deliciously juicy and succulent colleague had a very important file on their phone. Which was in their pocket. Which was next to their hip. Which is in my gut… I SWEAR I DIDN’T KNOW!

Gah…why is lunch so short…it’s already half way between lunchtime and dinner time and I’m starving! Hey, you! Want to practice some workplace first aid? You can see how hungry I am, I’m just skin and bones. I need you to sacrifice yourself, ok? You’re the office first aider!

The way management has been lately, I think we should unionise! Think about it, the whole office acting as one, we’d be unstoppable! Especially since it would be my body. Our first meeting can be in my gut…oh I don’t know anything about Trade Unions. I’m just hungry!

Hey boss! Just hanging out, don’t mind me. I’m sorry about calling in sick this week, I must have eaten something that, like, disagreed with me or something. They always disagree, am I right? Anyway I thought I’d swing by this weekend to see if you need some…uh…overtime?

We can start the meeting, everyone’s here! Yes, the HR representative is here. I know they’re not sitting in their seat, but trust me they are here! Just look! I think we can all agree they do a better job padding out my chest than…whatever it is HR do anyway!

I’ll definitely come in over the weekend! Overtime sounds awesome! I take it you’ll be serving snacks and dinner for all the interns like me? No? What the hell do you think I’m working for then!? Get the juiciest employees to come in too and maybe I’ll have the energy to work…

Hey! You’re probably wondering what’s up with the knife… Don’t worry, it’s not what you think! It’s Carol’s birthday today and I cut the cake! Yay! Thing is, she looked so cute with her lips all covered in icing…mhm… Care for a slice? You’d look terrific with some frosting!

A uniform? What’s that? Oh, you mean those stiff shirts and pants I strip from my meals? We’re all supposed to be wearing that!? Wow, no can do boss! They aren’t stretchy enough to accommodate my breakfast, let alone my lunch! Besides, you prefer my style, right?

Managed to gulp down that cute canteen server…hopefully nobody will notice! It’s a shame they all went to my chest…gah…I know, I can find some other padding fodder to even out my figure!

H…hi! Sorry for being nervous but I was told to report to you? As you’re my new line manager? I don’t know what happened to the last one. They just stopped coming in! Plus they gave me such bad indigestion…oh, you weren’t meant to hear that! O…oh well…lunch time!

Ugh…I’m an intern, not an IT expert! I ate the IT guys a while ago… This lawyer keeps asking me about why they’re ’rate limited’ and I have no idea! Good thing I can look through their files. Lots of clients here. Some tasty looking ones too. Oooh, home addresses…yummy!

I don’t think you’re supposed to be looking there! Unless you’re trying to find out where your file clerk went, in which case you’ve found them!

I’m fine…honestly! Ok well maybe I’m a little worn out…I only managed to eat two secretaries for lunch…I’m famished. Hey…you look a bit like a secretary…all soft and curvy…come a bit closer…

I see where the confusion is! You think that by devouring my fellow employees that I’m “stealing company property”! Well, based on my interpretation of labour, people aren’t your property sir! They deserve equal rights and protections! That means you can’t fire me! Checkmate!

This is one of the private offices. Where the top level people come to play! I hang out in here sometimes just imagining my future, when I’ve climbed the ranks and am finally at the top…paid intern! Plus the walls are pretty soundproof. Stops all the swallowing and gurgling!