Kelly Ross

The people who are nice to you aren’t always being kind to you. Saying what you want to hear is nice. People sugarcoat feedback to make you feel good today. Sharing what you need to hear is kind. People speak honestly to help you do better tomorrow. Candor is an act of care.

Looking for the good in others doesn’t make you naive. It means you’re not cynical. Recognizing people’s strengths doesn’t deny their flaws. It reveals their potential to overcome their flaws. Those who refuse to see the good in others fail to bring out the best in others.

When groups defer to the most assertive person in the room, they reward confidence over competence. The danger of speaking with conviction is that it can stifle critical thinking and silence dissent. We learn more from people who explore ideas than those who attack and defend.

The highest compliment from someone who disagrees with you is not “You were right.” It’s “You made me think.” Good arguments help us recognize complexity where we once saw simplicity. The ultimate purpose of debate is not to produce consensus. It’s to promote critical thinking.

Many people fail to benefit from constructive feedback because they overreact and undercorrect. When a helpful suggestion feels like a big threat to your ego, you only make a small change to your habits. The best way to learn is to overcorrect. Discomfort is a sign of growth.

The point of reviewing your mistakes isn't to shame your past self. It's to educate your future self. Rumination is recycling old thoughts about what went wrong. Reflection is looking for new insights on how to do better. You can't undo last year. You can improve this one.

How we handle mistakes is a window on our character. Narcissism is being fast to slam others' errors but slow to admit yours. Humility is being fast to learn from your errors and slow to judge others. Wisdom is being fast to learn from others' errors to slow the rate of yours.

The most important quality in a mentor, teacher, or coach is not how much they know. It's how much they care. Caring is more than taking pride in your success. It's feeling joy as you progress. The people you want in your corner are the ones who celebrate your growth.

Self-acceptance isn't giving up on self-improvement. It's deciding to stop beating yourself up for being human—and keep working to become a better human. Getting comfortable in your own skin doesn't stifle growth. When you can laugh at your faults, it's easier to overcome them.

Burnout isn't due to a lack of motivation. It's caused by a shortage of capacity. There are more interesting people and projects than hours in the day. The key question isn't whether you have interest. It's whether you have bandwidth. Enthusiasm is boundless. Time is finite.

When people ask for your feedback, it's a mark of respect. They value your knowledge, skill, or taste. When they don't hesitate to give you feedback, it's a sign of trust. They have faith that you'll take it as an opportunity to grow, not a threat to your ego.

The basic principles of constructive feedback: 1. Before you give it, ask if they want to receive it. 2. Be clear that you believe in their potential and care about their success. 3. Be as candid as possible in what you say, and as thoughtful as possible in how you say it.

The first rule of leadership: put your mission above your ego. The second rule of leadership: if you don't care about your people, they won't care about your mission. The third rule of leadership: if someone has to tell you the first two rules, you're not ready to lead yet.

Things people aren't afraid to say when they have psychological safety: -I don't know -I made a mistake -I disagree -I might be wrong -I have a concern -I have an idea

The hallmark of a productive debate is not persuasion, but insight. In a good argument, you're as motivated to learn as to convince. You can declare victory when everyone involved has deepened their understanding, broadened their knowledge, or evolved their thinking.

The higher you climb, the more your success depends on making other people successful. Leaders are judged by what their followers achieve. Leadership is elevating individuals to do more than they thought possible and groups to do more than their members could independently.