Scottie

A Waffle House at three in the morning. I ordered hash browns. The waitress, Charlene, turned toward the kitchen and shouted. "Scattered, smothered, covered!" I rose from my stool. These were battle commands. Shouted across a room, fast, in code, the way a captain calls a line into position. Something was happening. I prepared myself. "Who is under attack?" I asked. Charlene turned back. "Huh? Oh. That's just your hash browns, baby." I sat back down slowly. "...The potatoes have their own commands?" "Mhm. Scattered means on the grill. Smothered's onions. Covered's cheese." "And there are more?" She counted them off without looking at a menu. "Chunked is ham. Diced is tomato. Peppered's jalapeños. Capped's mushrooms. Topped's chili. Country's sausage gravy." I was silent for a moment. Nine words. Nine fates, for one potato. In my homeland, a man earns a name through a lifetime of deeds. Here, a hash brown can earn nine in a single night. I had badly underestimated this country. "I want all of them," I said. "Every word. The potato has earned them." "...You want it all the way?" "All the way. To give it fewer would be an insult." Charlene shouted the whole thing back into the kitchen, the full litany, and the cook answered without turning around, and I stood again and bowed to him, sergeant to sergeant. He did not see it. It did not matter. I knew. It came buried. Onions, cheese, ham, tomato, peppers, mushrooms, chili, gravy. You could barely find the potato underneath, which seemed correct, because by then the potato was no longer a side dish. It was a decorated soldier. I ate the whole thing with a fork in both fists. It was hot and filthy and magnificent. I have eaten in palaces. I have never eaten anything that was honored this thoroughly. So tell me, America. You can shout the same potato into nine different lives. Who wrote this language, and where can a foreigner learn it? And the cook who answers in code at three in the morning. Is that a kitchen, or a war room?

“England historically has struggled here in Massachusetts” — #WorldCup announcer on Fox 👀