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BETHLEHEM, Judea — An undocumented couple and their newborn were detained this evening by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) after they were reported by a local resident who saw them resting in a small stable next to an inn that had no vacancies. ICE officials claim the couple—known only by their first names, Miryam and Yosef—had illegally entered Judea recently by camel. The woman is said to have given birth to the child a few nights ago, and the stable had been visited by suspicious persons claiming to have been led there by a star. “These people are clearly on drugs,” said an ICE spokesman. “This is exactly the kind of criminal element we want kept out of Judea.” Witnesses said that Yosef pleaded with the ICE agents to take just him and leave the mother and child. “They had him zip-tied, and he kept saying something about being in town to comply with Herod’s Census,” said a man who reported him. “He’s lying. I mean, look at them. They don’t belong here. They need to go back to where they came from.” ICE officials are also investigating the couple for other crimes. They were found with a substantial amount of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. “What are those luxury goods doing in their possession?” asked the ICE spokesman, taking a moment to adjust his mask. “We’re working to ascertain the original source, but we’re confident they were stolen.” He then leaned in. “And not for nothing, but we have it on good authority she was impregnated by another man. It’s apparently not his. Born out of wedlock. She’s an adulteress and likely a welfare queen. They’ll probably use the kid to commit fraud.” While they await probable deportation and further investigation on the other allegations, the couple have been charged with trespassing, vagrancy, and disturbing the peace. “Judea is for Judeans,” said the spokesman. “We’re committed to keeping Judeans safe from these criminals who cross the border and trot out some sob story to take advantage of our kindness and charity.” The newborn, named Yeshua, has been separated from the couple and placed in protective custody pending the outcome of the deportation proceedings. “He’s fine,” assured the spokesman. “We put him in a holding area with the other anchor babies. It’s just fencing and concrete, but that’s a lot better than the manger we found him in.” ---- Link to full piece available here for easier sharing: charlotteclymer.substack.com…