Every time a woman yawns, a man uses his imagination.

At a particular down point in my life, my mother told me "Remember, son, when one door closes, another one opens." I said "Mom, it doesn't work that way in jail."

Why do we always whisper when we’re looking for something we’ve lost, like the missing item can hear us and is choosing to stay hidden?

Me: Thanks for always being there when I need someone to talk to. My mom: How did you get my number?

Why does every human suddenly become an expert on traffic the moment they sit in the passenger seat?

[In the ambulance] Paramedic: What’s your blood type? Me: I’m not picky. Surprise me.

I wrote a book about falling down the stairs. It’s a step-by-step guide

Wife: What are you thinking about? Me: Who should inherit my X account when I’m gone. Wife: You’re an idiot. *removes Wife from the shortlist*

“Does it contain apples?” “No.” “What about pine?” “No.” “Great. Let’s call it pineapple.”

iPhone Duo: Two screens, dual batteries, 7.6-inch display. Still can’t justify why it costs more than a laptop that actually works.

The iPhone Duo has two screens, so you can watch your battery die twice as fast.

Girl: *posts ring photo* Easiest question I’ve ever answered. Me: Was the question, “Want to ruin your life?” And that’s why I’m not invited to the wedding.

Elon: “We simply enforced our terms of service.” Internet: “This is the end of free speech.”