the fender defender 🏁

Now that Abdul has won, I want to be the first Muslim American to be truly transparent and honest with my non-Muslim fellow citizens. Everything you've long suspected is true: - Going forward, I will communicate with you exclusively in Arabic. If you don't understand, that's on you. As a gesture of goodwill, I will delay implementation until June 1, 2027. Be fluent by then. - I will personally wake each and every one of you for dawn prayer. Every morning. - If I catch anyone eating pork, I will immediately report you to Iran, Saudi Arabia, the Grand Muftis of Egypt and Indonesia, the Ottoman Empire, and the Muslim Brotherhood. - Regular hijab is for wimps. Starting January 1, 2027, all American women will be required to wear a full burqa, including face covering. Violators will be summoned to mandatory compliance hearings and be reprimanded with Sharia-compliant rap nasheed disses. In my Minnesota neighborhood, these will be held in the Dairy Queen parking lot. We are currently negotiating discounted Blizzards for spectators. As an aside, Dairy Queen is being renamed Dairy King and Blizzards are being renamed Sandstorms. - Starting next month, the name of the city of Minneapolis will be changed to Somaliapolis. After some debate, the Shariah Law council has determined that this is a respectful compromise. Thank you for your attention to this matter!