ghoulish gosh

playing the 'i am rectangular' music video that my son was watching when he slammed into a lane divider at 100 mph and trying to jump into the grave like leland palmer from twin peaks

me and my friends getting together to try out a ouija board but it spells out 'orc pussy' over and over again until we all just collectively agree not to believe in the supernatural anymore

yeah he could totally get it lol *feeling out the vibe in the group chat* it being these hands *reading the room a little more* as in he can hold them *totally off kilter now* my hands i mean

as a kid i would ask my mom if we could go to gamestop or something and she'd always say "let's not and say we did." what an awful idea. it defeats the whole purpose

*tarot reading* interesting. exclusively attracted to the red m&m. nothing good is possible for you

elizabeth holmes tried to become the new, blood based steve jobs. Which is an idea she stole from me back when i was filling iphones with type O Negative and trying to sell them

mr owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? owl: i dont know. leave me alone immediately

the greatest trick the devil ever played was peeling off 1 trillion guys skin in the endless lake of fire for 100 eternities

I just flew in from seattle and boy are my arms tired. From jacking off the whole flight

1700s guy far away from home: god i miss my wife. Let me go pluck a feather from a turkeys ass so i can write her a letter

Oscar the grouch made me angry so i placed a cinderblock on top of the metal trash can lid

Scarecrow don't you see? You had a brain all along! And tin man, you have always had a heart, even if you don't realize it. Cowardly Lion you are a certified piece of shit

Beauty and the Beast is about how its not so bad to marry a hairy guy with one million dollars. And theres a perverted french candle thats alive walking around that you have to ignore

Alright gang, let's split up and look for clues. Daphne, you and I will search the west wing of the house. Velma, you and Shaggy can search the east wing, with the dining hall. Scooby, we'll leave you in the hot car with the windows rolled up and the ac off

*to the tune of i saw mommy kissing santa claus* i saw dracula penetrating my mom. Underneath the skeleton decorations

Good cop: now before we start the interrogation, is there anything you need?Do you like mcdonalds? Bad cop: im going to hit you in the head and body if you dont confess Sad cop: i miss my wife... Ad cop: can we circle back to the mcdonalds. The mcrib is back. And better than ever

mr beast voice: ive injected 100 babies with alien dna

Putting my hands on the trix rabbit's face in the rain and saying baby this isnt you and he drops the bowl of stolen cereal

I was kidding before but this time I really do got your nose. I'm not lying to you