paperwash©️

Twitter is weird because it allows you to read all day and still get dumber

don’t let all this chaos in the media distract you from the fact that your car warranty is about to expire

secretary of defense: sir now we have murder hornets President: [squinting] release Mike Tyson secretary of defense: but sir President: NOW GOD DAMN IT

me: [high during the day] lets go to the mall and McDonald’s and the car wash and the movies and McDonald’s again and then to the bar me: [high at night time] don’t go outside you’ll get arrested!

list of my favorite swear word alternatives: -crudmuffins -stinker doodle -fudge knuckles -beef skipper -jolly wacker -farfenúggen

therapist: studies show a correlation between social media and depression me: lol nice that’s a good tweet therapist: no don’t- me: [already tweeted] give me some more facts

in all actuality, I hate shock humor, it’s punctuated and predicated by a moral levity suggested within the viewers cock and dick suck balls lol you thought this was a clean tweet lol it’s called misdirection you idiot lol

people in the 1700’s were so lucky, they only got like one piece of mail a month

me: this common core stuff is ridiculous how do they expect parents to help with this wife: it’s second grade addition me: [flips table over] ITS TOO HARD SHARON

If you think you’re bad at giving advice just think of the 1st person to say “break a leg!” to their friend going on stage

when you realize The Masked Singer is just adult Yo Gabba Gabba

friend: so you’ve played 800 hours of diablo 3? That’s crazy, so what’s the main plot? me: [played the entire campaign with every character] I have no idea

Twitter is like an RPG but instead of leveling up your character with experience points you just become a worse person

wife: thank god we each got $1200 we can finally pay off our credit cards me: [sitting in a new $1200 gaming chair] I didn’t get mine yet i don’t know what happened

girlfriend: let me see your phone me: no girlfriend: why? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME? me: [looking at my twitter account] ...yes

wife: let’s have breakfast for dinner 😊 me: how? buy getting in a time machine wife: no lol I mean eggs and saus- me: [throws lamp against the wall] ENOUGH WITH YOUR QUANTUM PHYSICS RIDDLES KAREN

me: [travels 6000 miles] I’d like to join your monastery monk: do you have any student debt me: well yeah I have my masters degree from- monk: [shuts door]

[chaperoning field trip] me: I’m gunna hit the bar while the kids go to the museum wife: absolutely not me: but the other dads are going wife: I said no me: [pulling out a Nintendo DS] this field trip sucks

*takes a shower* *uses Paul Mitchell shampoo and conditioner* *shaves with Gillette products* *puts on Old Spice deodorant* *puts on Old Navy PJs* *opens Apple device* *opens Twitter* Capitalism is stupid, in this essay I will-