Paul Telford

Damn it, I'm having that dream again where I didn't study for the test.

In 2017, I paid Cards Against Humanity to protect a pristine plot of border land from Trump’s racist wall. But then an even richer, more racist billionaire—Elon Musk—stole my land and dumped his shit all over it. @ElonMusk owes me $100. #ElonOwesMe100Bucks ElonOwesYou100Dollars.com

Hail Zuckerberg threads.net/@originalpxt

⁦@SacRepublicFC⁩ Good turn out, and the flyover wasn’t bad either.

Really awful job by @AmericanAir leaving our traveling-alone minor stranded at DFW all night. Whatever the lifetime value of a customer is, you just blew it. @activistamanda

I want someone to go to jail for this instagram.com/p/Co2kHSdvGzV/…

DMV made the right call on this one, but only because the customer should be in jail.

“Going on summer hols” is a close second

Hope this doesn’t get me kicked off this platform for sharing real time location but I just ran into @elonmusk at the Olive Garden in Qatar. He didn’t appear to leave a tip. #worldcup #olivegarden #badtipper

Me trying to explain the World Cup at work tomorrow

“Cosby Candy” doesn’t have the same marketing appeal as it once did.

One thing I still regret from the 90s is that I never had a chance to wax a chump like a candle.

Happy Ed Balls day to ball those who celebrate

Is anyone else hanging on to this, or is it just me? @aol @Sybex

Happy Rex Manning Day to all those who celebrate

“Check out this guitar”