Ray Corrigan

There is widespread confusion among Democrats this morning, after they accidentally won the US midterms despite their best efforts to lose. They now face their worst nightmare: enthused voters who actually expect something from them. They are weighing up whether to condemn James Talarico and Abdul El-Sayed for giving people false hope, or pretend to be just like them. Perhaps the smart move will be to take the credit, just like that kid who pushes a train in that meme. Whichever way they go, there’s no denying this is awkward. Ordinarily, Democrats prefer a tiny majority, so they can assign two bad cops to block every bill they introduce. Now they’ll either have to not introduce bills or pray that Trump vetoes them. Given the President spends half his time sleeping and can’t even finish his sentences, this is a risky strategy. There is every chance that Americans end up with something good entirely by accident. I wouldn’t even rule out Trump forgetting to veto the release of the Epstein files. As you can imagine, the corporate donors who own both sides have steam coming out of their ears. Democrats were so determined to lose that one of them endorsed a Republican to stop a Muslim from taking Michigan. Unfortunately, 60% of Michigan’s Jews turned out to be antisemites and voted for Halal law and Sharia meat. Chuck Schumer and Haley Stevens are losing their fucking minds. It’s fair to say neither side wanted a blue wave to sweep across the US. Unfortunately, the Republicans’ strategy of saying a load of racist stuff and doing endless war backfired. Americans are only in favour of those things when they can afford fuel and groceries. Now that everything’s getting expensive, they are going cold on the whole imperialism thing. President Trump was left scratching his head, wondering how he lost so badly, despite winning the Iran war 27 times this year. I don’t have the heart to tell him that Pete Hegseth lied. After all, he’s still mourning Lindsey Graham who could only watch on from hell as the results came in. Without Lindsey Graham’s presence, the axis of evil is falling apart. The warmongers don’t even know who they are anymore. The result broke John Bolton so badly that his moustache crawled away and said it’s getting a divorce. Bolton criticised Trump for his forever war in Iran and for surrounding himself with yes men. Given that he’s never seen a war that didn’t arouse him, this is deeply troubling. The Republicans are facing a major identity crisis. If they’re no longer the party of paedophilia and genocide, what else can they offer? They’ve even lost the ability to cheat properly. They somehow lost the seats they’d gerrymandered, and to make matters worse, someone forgot to flip the voting machines. We saw state after state change colour after people who normally prefer the greater evil chose the lesser one. Even Texas turned blue, despite scientists insisting this was physically impossible. It was supposed to be one of the three laws of the universe. You can’t go faster than light, Trump can’t be trusted around school girls, and Texas can’t turn blue. For the longest time everyone just accepted this is how reality works. Now the Democrats have taken every office in Texas: Senator, Governor, Lt Governor, Attorney General, Land Commissioner, Comptroller of Public Accounts, Agriculture Commissioner, Railroad Commissioner, and all four Supreme Court Justices. I can’t bear how embarrassing this must be for Elon Musk who tried desperately to buy Texas for $212 million. Turns out this was the biggest waste of money since he spent $40 billion to rename Twitter, only for everyone to keep calling it Twitter. Imagine being the world’s richest man, owning the most powerful propaganda tool in history, and still no one listens to you. At least it’s all bad news today. Israel has disputed the claim that Iran achieved regime change in the US, after it successfully installed AIPAC Shakur as House Speaker. If anyone can let Democrat voters down as badly as President Biden, it’s Hakeem Jeffries. The first black House Speaker in US history has already announced his determination to be the worst black House Speaker. Americans are terrified this might inspire Kamala Harris to do another presidential run.