Arko🇮🇳

Goodbye Pakistan. I know you have a statistical chance of still making it through to the semi-finals and we know you as the cornered tigers who can make impossible things happen: like teaching your children that you won all wars with India and claiming that you are the biggest victim of terrorism, but let’s agree this might be a bridge too far even for you. As an Indian, I would like to apologize for not being good hosts. And this when you have been such great guests. While you went out of your way to be accommodating and pleasant, like posting pictures of enjoying tea in Hyderabad to mock a captured Indian soldier, we were unfailingly rude. We didn’t play Dil Dil Pakistan at the grounds. We gave you Biriyani that clogged your arteries. Worse, you got Biriyani from Zamzam as representative of Kolkata Biriyani. We worked hard to eliminate you from the competition by beating you badly in our game. This was even more dastardly because your game we didn’t play Mohammed Shami, but Shardul Thakur whose deliveries are as peaceful as the poetry of Rabindranath Thakur. But we didn’t stop there. We changed the nature of the balls during innings break, Race 3 style, for our game. We hacked into the DRS system like Bobby Deol in Ajnabi, in the same way we did in 2011 for that Saaed Ajmal delivery. Hell, we even changed the pitch secretly, turning it around, in the way Cirque du Soleil does to their stage. All the umpires were trained using the Shakoor Rana method so that they give verdicts in favor of India. Not content with that, the evil BCCI used their financial muscle to hire Storm of XMen to tamper with the weather so that it didn’t rain in Bangalore and New Zealand could beat Sri Lanka, thus eliminating Pakistan Not just content with one XMen, BCCI also paid for the services of Dr. Charles Xavier who used mind-control to make the Afghan captain make a politically charged statement against Pakistan. Ungrateful and devious these Afghanis, as your experts in your TV programs said, a sharp contrast from you, who took billions from the Americans to kill Osama Bin Laden while sheltering him near an army base. As a matter of fact, only thing we didn’t tamper with was the ball once the game started, because hey, no one can do that better than you. The reason we are such terrible hosts is because let’s face it we are jealous of you. Of your tremendous standing in the world, your emerging superpower status, while we sink into majoritarian fascism and economic collapse. I know this because a fact checker told me that. So all we can do, like mean minded people, is spin conspiracy theories to explain your success while at the same time begging to be allowed to play in PSL. I know, it’s you who beg to play in IPL, while saying that the reason you aren’t allowed to play in IPL is because India is jealous of your abilities, but since you also say that you won the 1971 war, even though there are pictures of your general signing your surrender, we know that facts to you are like Afridi’s age, so bhavnaon ko samjho. I hope I haven’t overstepped myself here, because here too no one does that better than Mohammed Amir. We will meet again soon, sooner if the guys currently running BCCI have their way. Kya Fakhar Zamana. But once we start playing again, because money trumps all, I am sure you will show us how to be respectful of your opponent, in the way Mohammed Rizwan is, as pointed out by Waqar Younus. We really need to learn that from you. But till then, alvida in our best Atif Aslam voice. We will survive somehow with our shame.