Pushing through to the present (and trying not to fart in public)
Chicago, IL
Joined March 2009
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- Following1K
- Followers98.1K
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I know people like to say that laughter is the best medicine, but in reality, it's probably penicillin.
@adambusch PDP today "Since you peaked a long time ago, too, how did it not destroy you?" He didn't mean it, but that was hilariously vicious. You're the best. Please never leave us.
Shouldn't Barbie be less concerned with toppling the patriarchy and go back to what they do best - showing little girls that the ideal woman has a size -4 waist, double d boobs and perfect blonde hair? – at Chicago, IL
My nephew playing the arcade I put together with a name that suggests I'm the band's biggest fan. Truth is I hardly know their music. I just love puns. #ARCADEfire
If the Tampa police chief can't flash a badge to get out a a ticket, I feel like there's no hope for me to talk my way out of one.
Since I believe I know everything, here's how to fix Twitter. No more anonymity. Yes, this will hurt people who need anonymity. There are no perfect solutions. Like everything else in life.
If I started a Facebook Group called "Guys In Their Mid-40s Who Are Still Naturally Blonde" it would be just me and five dudes from Sweden. #pleaseignorethesunburn – at Indiana, USA
Left my conference and drove two miles to see my amazing sister Dana (at a different conference) talk about branding for @CanidaePetFood (life highlight to see her speak) – at Carlsbad, CA
Cooked #broccoflower and pretty sure this came from another planet. I was hoping there was an alien inside. (there wasn't 😥) – at Chicago, IL
Shoveling with a broom in sandals minus a jacket should be rewarded, not made fun of by a girlfriend who is laughing from inside taking photos. – at Chicago, IL
The weirdest thing about @alyankovic is that he's in the OFFICIAL video for George Harrison's My Sweet Lord. My two favorite things together. youtube.com/watch?v=04v-SdKe…
When I asked my sister why she doesn't get the flu shot she replied, "I look at it as an opportunity to lose 15 lbs." – at Illinois, USA
I bought full-sized candy bars for kids in my building because I want them think, "A cool guy lives there."
When HBOMax was down last night I was staring at their logo and I realized that it's called HBOMax because they own Cinemax. I felt like a smart person! #MareOfEasttown – at Chicago, IL
Since I just got my second Pfizer dose at @Costco, I decided to celebrate Costco-style (by eating until I pass out). #meatsweats – at Chicago, IL
Pre-move floor picnic with this beautiful woman. It went so well I'm thinking about asking her to go steady. – at Chicago, IL
Excited to move in to a place that my incredible girlfriend and I selected and designed. It's also terrifying, but most worthwhile things are. – at Chicago, IL
The brilliant minds at @BystanderTweets have a calendar for sale, and it's every bit as great as the cover would lead you to believe. BUY IT NOW. americanbystander.org/store3…
When I tilt my head back I look like a guy with a huge forehead, a terrible haircut, and an unfortunate shaped skull. #ThisIsHowIWasteMyTime – at Chicago, IL
