Bindle

People talking about more police, laws, blah blah. No. I want to hire those gigantic tiptoeing autistic boys who are obsessed with busses and trains to do security for public transit. You know the ones who beat their mom because she didn’t get the right brand of chicken nuggets? Those ones. I’d tell them the busses and trains are going to be gone forever if the fare dodgers are allowed to pass through, and then station them at the gates. Imagine it. Billy. 16 years old. 300lbs. 6 feet tall. The panic swelling in his eyes as he see these entitled mongrels jumping the gate one by one. “No fare… no fare… no train… train gone… forever…” Then, he breaks. The panic turns to fury. Wailing, he charges. His light-up velcro strap sneakers glow and chime with every jumping step. His superhuman gigaretard strength takes over and he bludgeons them all into a fine paste with his colossal chubby fists. There is nothing left of them when he is done. Maybe a few stray dreadlocks stuck to the pavement by a thick glue of blood and organ. Standing in the middle of the platform on a rug of gore, Billy the victorious. His ill-fitting Paw Patrol t-shirt was white and blue before he started his shift. It’s a dark red now. “Train safe… train safe…” Do you understand how many problems this would solve?