Preston Smalley

The holy grail of parenting is consistency. Every parent wants to be consistent in how they raise their kids - consistent values, consistent responses, consistent discipline. That's why I always advise parents to "find your distant mountain." In the natural world, a distant mountain is a reference point. It rises above the landscape to orient you. You know where you are and where to go next. In parenting, it’s a metaphor for developing a long-term vision for your kids. As parents, we get so trapped in the day-to-day demands of raising kids that we miss the larger story. Having a written vision for your kids keeps you oriented when all feels lost. Here’s how to develop one: Pick a Destination Imagine your kids at a certain age. There’s no magic number, but I’ve always chosen 40. The trick is to find something far off into the future (a distant mountain). The goal in parenting isn’t to raise an awesome 4 year old. You’re raising a future adult, so think in those terms. Define the Mountain This is where the work gets done. I always encourage parents to start with 5 simple questions. When my child is 40: - What’s important to them? - What motivates them? - What words do I hope describe my relationship with them? - How do other people (spouse, friends, coworkers) describe them? - When things go wrong in their life, how do they respond? What anchors them? None of these questions provide a full picture, but they get our hearts dreaming. When you’re dreaming about your kids, dream about the kind of people you want them to be - who over what. As a parent, I’m always excited for my kid's accomplishments, but I’m most proud of who they are as people. Think in terms of character, qualities, and virtues rather than academic, material, or social accolades. Make A Map Next, distill your dreams out into statements. These will typically be positive statements, but there are times where negative statements are just as helpful. They’ll sound something like this: I will raise children who find joy in serving others. I won’t raise children who are controlled by fear. Write these statements down in a journal or some other place where you can refer to them. Follow the Map Here’s why I’ve found this process so powerful. If you know who you want your child to be at 40, you can back your way into how to parent them at 4. For example, I will raise kids who do the right things for the right reasons. Which means, I don’t want them to clean their room because I’m threatening or forcing them to. When they resist cleaning their room, it’s my job to explain why it's important. It doesn’t mean they’ll jump up and do it with a smile on their face. But I’m planting values in the fertile soil of their heart that I hope will take root over time. Developing a big vision for your kids is as much for you as it is for them. In the demands of daily life, it’s easy to lose our way. To be consistent as a parent means you’ve got to have a clear, actionable vision for the child you're raising. Finding your distant mountain helps you know you’re moving in the right direction. *** I'm David and I write about being more thoughtful as a spouse, parent, and business leader. Follow me @wdmorrisjr for more content like this.