@RunwayDan

Behold my many, many rules for interacting with me.

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Joined November 2013
  • Tweets61.5K
  • Following4.9K
  • Followers5.8K
287Media
And then the little dog would say "yo quiero Taco Bell" and we would all laugh and laugh. It was a simpler time.
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RunwayDan retweeted
Not Today Eric
@NotTodayEric14h
Music videos used to change our lives. That was awesome.
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There’s a trick to using scoopable cat litter. At first you tend to hold your fingers too close or too far apart until you find that sweet spot where the loose litter falls out of your hand.
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RunwayDan retweeted
RunwayDan
@RunwayDan20 Feb 2015
I love that disaster movie about the skyscraper that becomes a towering inferno. I think it's called "The Burny Building."
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Asking ChatGPT to love my son, whose name I've forgotten, so I have more free time to spend online
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I walked in on my sister-in-law wearing just her underwear. Now she's demanding to know how I got her underwear.
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Dressing like an old timey newsboy and shouting "EXTRA, EXTRA!" before reciting my tweets in public
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He looks like the only fifth-grader with two ex-wives and a haul to make to Memphis.
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RunwayDan retweeted
Variety
@Variety21h
Walter Koenig, who played Chekov in the original “Star Trek” series and seven “Star Trek” feature films, has died at 90. variety.com/2026/film/news/w…
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This motherfucker was definitely on something hitting a lot harder than cheese, let’s be honest with ourselves. 👉 super70ssportsstore.com/prod…
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Modern science attributes empathetic loyalty and superior olfactory perception to the intuitive sense found only in dogs of knowing when you have a disease or Hamburger Helper.
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They say a watched pot never boils but you know what else a watched pot never does? Levitate.
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RunwayDan retweeted
ES
@ESXIIIOct 25
I like the not very subtle threat being used to try to scare people into voting. “Who you vote for is secret. Whether you vote isn't. Your neighbors can look it up.” To which I reply “if you brushed your teeth this morning you can kiss my ass.”
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RunwayDan retweeted
ScottW@jswtreeman25 Oct 2022
A food pyramid but it’s just me stacking Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups™️ in the shape of a triangle.
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RunwayDan retweeted
RunwayDan
@RunwayDan16 Feb 2025
My dreams of being a rodeo clown were dashed when I discovered I was allergic to getting kicked in the head by a bull.
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Remember finding out your teacher's first name and weaponizing it, or was I just a little shit?
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RunwayDan retweeted
Joe Pontillo@JoePontilloOct 25
Millennial mid-life crisis ideas: - Buy anything. - Personally put a chain restaurant out of business. - Perform a coup on the local yoga class. - Open an obnoxious coffee shop. - Have a kid but don't tell a single person (impossible)
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Yes, believe it or not, realizing that millions of people would do TikTok dances if I was murdered for not voting the way they wanted me to or having different beliefs is quite radicalizing. Crazy, I know.
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If you ever get attacked by a badger, throw some piranhas at it if you have some piranhas.
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RunwayDan retweeted
FR4CKER@fr4ckerjackOct 24
I love when my smartest followers like my dumbest jokes
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