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lifestyle tweets of the pampered middle class

New York, NY
Joined December 2013
Staring at a condom like it’s a fax machine
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zip zap zoloft sorry i'm soft i'm taking improv now
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Shibari ancient japanese art of tying up data analysts
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Every hot girl in Baltimore looks like John waters
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At 9pm every Dunkin donut magically turns to biscotti
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When I’m a dad the moment my family angers me it’s immediate vacation to DC
Its been a while since we’ve last spoken
This quoted post is unavailable.
The most shame I’ve ever felt was buying a t-shirt in its crowd funding phase 1
Yes lord
I don’t understand why people would want to get rid of pigeons. They don’t bother no one.
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A comedians job makes you unhirable for every other job
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My landlord is bored with our love
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You have synesthesia oh you mean narcissism
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Jos. A bank for when you need a suit for every occasion Court Funeral High level negotiation
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Every 2.3 years I’ll eat one nectarine
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Looks like it’s a dudes only Hasidic holiday on the Williamsburg bridge tn
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On a train next to a comic I know but are on comfortable never acknowledge each terms, and another comic neither of us know who is rewatching his own tape
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Snapchat stock went down today the markets are false
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Zero subs onlyfans gf zero listeners podcast bf
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Wearing a bf shirt from an ex gf who had a cool secret xl shirt bf when I was bf
why are you (a tv writer) stealing my tweets instead of giving me a job
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